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In planning this Kyocera makeover, I wanted to:

• Target the audience — a business, not an individual consumer. And I decided to “start where the reader is” by presenting a common problem experienced by prospects in a way they could identify with — in this case the bewildering number of different make and model printers to choose from and the difficulty of selecting from among them.

  (Recently I came across an outstanding example of starting where the reader is. It was a Charles Schwab ad headed, “I Need a New Account. I Just Don't Need the Hassle of Opening One.” This was followed by a display of the benefits and Web address of Schwab's “new client concierge” service.)

• Allow readers to see for themselves how much money Kyocera printers can save a business in the long run by using the TCO Tracker.

• Urge readers to take the next step — logging on and letting the TCO Tracker automatically calculate the annual operating success of any given printer.

To begin, I trashed the cutesy illustration and made better use of that space. As for starting where the reader is, my headline shows and tells about a relevant business problem — which of the dozens of available printers should your company select? I specifically displayed and named a number of them, mindful of Ring Lardner's advice to young writers: “Don't just say ‘The old lady growled.’ Bring her in and let her growl.” It targets and identifies the audience as owners or managers of a large business office.

My subhead presents the answer to the headline's question: Now you can use the TCO Tracker to decide on a printer that will save you the most in total operating cost.

When it came to supplying amplification in the form of body copy, I found that once again the copywriter had done a good job. And so I was able to use almost all of the original copy. Why the whole ad isn't as good as the copy is none of my business. My guess is it's because of the common practice of giving the ad-making assignment to a copywriter/art director team. (By the way, how come those designers get to be called “directors” and us mere copywriters don't?)

Let's say the art director proposed a visual idea: “Hey, how about an attractive young guy and gal in a tug of war between the choice of a typical business printer and a Kyocera?”

Together they agreed on a headline claim. Then the copywriter sat down and composed some good copy, which had to be squeezed into the rectangular block the art director decided was an appropriate element in the layout.

How do you feel about this, readers? Does my guess correspond to any past experience you may have had or observed? And don't you think my approach of emphasizing results-oriented communication with properly targeted prospects over design — while, of course, not neglecting it — would produce far more responses and sales?

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THOMAS L. COLLINS (thomas.l.collins@verizon.net) has been a direct marketing copywriter, ad maker, agency creative director and co-author of four books on marketing. He is currently an independent creative and marketing consultant based in Portland, OR.

Find more Makeover Maven columns at http://directmag.com/opinions-columnists/makeovermaven/.