All I Really Need to Know About CRM I Learned in Kindergarten

Robert Fulghum was right: Life's essential lessons can be gleaned from truths learned in kindergarten. The next few decades of academia are commentary and algebra.

This was brought home recently when my now-former bank (call it “Four Letter Bank”) lost my paycheck, and then proceeded to violate one tenet of customer relationship management after another. Its managers must have skipped kindergarten, thereby missing the following lessons.

• Lesson 1: There's no backing down from a “double-dog dare.” When my paycheck hadn't shown up in Four Letter Bank's system after five business days, I brought the deposit slip to a branch near my office. A customer service rep insisted I take my problem to where I had opened the account, even though I hadn't lived near that branch for more than a decade.

  After I squawked, she made a phone call — only to find that the one officer who could authorize an investigation was on vacation and nothing could be done for at least two days. She then informed me that she had other customers, implying that this wasn't a priority for her. I then informed her that I would be closing the account.

  “Yes, I hear that a lot,” she replied.

  With that, the account was destined for closure. As any kindergartner will tell you, never issue a double-dog dare unless you're prepared for the consequences.

• Lesson 2: Don't embarrass classmates in front of their friends. By the time an upper-level manager became involved, I was overdue in paying back a personal loan, facing a late fee on my rent, and fearing having to entertain friends from out of town with little cash in my pocket.

  The one saving grace I held on to was that my company wouldn't find out about the incident and think I was a schlemiel.

  Well, Four Letter Bank took care of that. Its investigative team couldn't locate the check, and I had to ask payroll to stop payment and send me a second check.

• Lesson 3: Saying ‘sor-ree’ in that tone is not an apology. Fair's fair: The manager who ultimately took responsibility for my case admitted this was the worst lost-check instance he'd seen. He wiped away the bank overdraft fees, and eventually credited my account with the full amount before the replacement check arrived (albeit more than two weeks after my initial deposit).

  Then he offered to “fetch something for my trouble” and handed me a white baseball cap bearing Four Letter Bank's name.

  Did he really expect me to walk around wearing Four Letter Bank's logo on my head? I considered embroidering “sucks” next to the bank name and making the hat a permanent part of my wardrobe.

  An apology should not include a brand-building effort.

• Lesson 4: I know you are, but what am I? On the morning the replacement check was due to arrive, the bank manager called to ask how I was doing — and to remind me to bring the new check in immediately, so Four Letter Bank's books could balance.

  I was sorely tempted to string them along for the same two-week-plus period they'd inflicted on me. The only reason I didn't let them twist is a) the official who would be twisting hadn't lost the check and b) I wanted to be done with Four Letter Bank.

• Lesson 5: Play nice, or I'm taking my ball and going home. Through Four Letter Bank, I'd set up several automatic payment processes. Now, such actions should give me a high level of “stickiness” — the hassle involved in re-establishing the account elsewhere should have deterred me from closing the account. But as sticky as this glue might be under normal circumstances, the initial rep's sanguine response to my threat to leave proved to be a powerful solvent. I've switched to the much more consumer-friendly Commerce Bank.

How much more consumer-friendly? Three days after I opened my account, not only did I receive my new checks, but Commerce also sent — under separate cover — a “Thank you for banking with us” card in a hand-addressed envelope. In the next few weeks I'll be setting up automatic debiting…and direct payroll deposit. Being a kindergarten graduate has definitely given me some smarts.