Kia Dealer Mailing Is a Real Clunker

FOR WHAT MUST BE THE worst direct mail campaign in the history of the craft, look no further than a recent effort from Kia of Paramus, NJ, aiming to get customers to trade their 2000 models for 2005 or 2006 vehicles.

The effort was so bad it's difficult to know where to begin. Moreover, it couldn't have reached its target at a worse time.

First, the letter spelled my wife's name wrong and addressed her incorrectly throughout.

The misspelling would be bad enough, but oh, that was only the beginning.

The upper right corner of the letter had the words “second notice.” Never mind that we couldn't remember receiving the first notice, should a company aiming to make a five-figure sale begin its pitch as if it were a collections warning? Probably not.

Then, with no salutation, the all-black-type pitch began in sans-serif caps: “PLEASE REVIEW THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION CAREFULLY:”

At this point, we think we're about to be threatened.

“Kia of Paramus on Route 4 East, Paramus NJ has been selected as a site to conduct a special week long market test pricing and financing event. Your status as a Kia of Paramus customer qualifies you for this private sale,” the letter continued, once again in that hard-to-read sans-serif type.

“Kia of Paramus is in desperate need to acquire several pre-owned 2000 models in order to fulfill special used vehicle requests. Our records indicate you own a used car [How can a car owner not own a used car?] and our new car managers have been authorized to buy back your current vehicle.”

Yes, we did own a Kia Sportage, “did” being the operative word in that sentence. We leased it for five years [I know, too long]. And when the lease came up we decided to buy it because it had been such a trouble-free vehicle for 60,000 miles.

Then, less than a month after we bought it — I swear I'm not making this up — it broke down to the tune of about $2,000. Several weeks later, it broke down again at a cost of another $2,000. And some weeks after that, it broke down again…and as before, the repairs were in the couple-thousand-dollar range.

Because we are not complete idiots, after the third breakdown — each mechanically unrelated to the other — we figured maybe it was time to unload the Kia. We found a Honda Pilot we liked and told the dealer we were prepared to buy the following weekend. He offered us a $4,000 trade-in on the Sportage. Deal!

We drove away in the Kia relieved that we'd be rid of it in a week. Then…as we were driving on New York Route 17 to our house in the Catskills, a weird grinding sound began to come from the engine.

“Don't you think you ought to pull over?” asked my wife.

“No, dammit. We need to get to the house,” I responded — as if saying it would make it so.

As the grinding grew louder, the dashboard temperature gauge buried itself on “high” and the car began to lose power. I had to pull over.

This was the third time the Sportage stranded us on a Northeastern highway. The two other times involved hundreds of dollars in towing fees.

Once safely on the side of Route 17, the Kia began to emit billows of steam from under its hood.

As cars whizzed by us at 70 miles per hour in 90-degree heat, I began to pound my fists on the steering wheel, saying “I [POUND] CAN'T [POUND] FRIGGIN' [POUND] BELIEVE [POUND] THIS! I [POUND] HATE [POUND] THIS [POUND] FRIGGIN' [POUND] CAR [POUND, POUND, POUND]!

Then my 2-year-old son began to cry in the back seat. Nice job, dad. Now you've scared Max.

“It's OK, buddy. Daddy's just a little frustrated. I'm OK now. Everything will be fine,” I said.

So we called Triple-A for the third time in two months. This time the Sportage was finished. The engine had spun a bearing and the car had to be junked. And the warranty ran out at 60,000 miles, just two months before.

Counting the trade-in money we didn't get, that car nailed us for $10,000 in about 60 days, and dropped dead.

Then came the letter from Kia of Paramus inviting us to a “private” sale.

“We would like you to exchange your 2000 Kia Sportage for any new 2005 or 2006 vehicle. With factory incentives and generous trade-in values, we feel confident that you can make this exchange with little or no out of pocket expense and with a monthly payment that fits your budget,” the letter said.

We didn't buy our Sportage from Kia of Paramus. We simply had it serviced and repaired there, which means if anyone would've taken two minutes to check our service records, they'd know our auto budget had taken some pretty serious hits in the previous few months.

“Due to the nature of this event and your status as a customer of Kia of Paramus, this event will not be advertised to the general public. This will be your only form of notification.”

The letter read as if Hal from Kia's accounting department took a direct mail course, learned that creating a sense of urgency and exclusivity can help sell, and decided to use one of his accounts-receivable form letters as a template.

“Do you think everybody's 2000 Kia is breaking down, and this is just a quiet way to do a recall?” asked my wife in all seriousness.

Yes, we're that scarred.