Why the CMO Thinks You’re an Idiot: Part II

I’m going to start wearing a paper bag over my head in public. Why? Because I am embarrassed for this industry.

Last week’s report that marketers lack standards on the definitions of fundamental metrics was bad enough.

Now comes a report that says most e-mail marketers aren’t measuring anything worthwhile at all.

According to a survey conducted by JupiterResearch, when given a series of fairly obvious success-gauging metrics to choose from—such as revenue per subscriber, average order size and click-to-conversion rate—and asked which they use on a monthly basis, 50% of business-to-consumer marketers and 56% of business-to-business marketers picked “none of the above.”

None … of … the … friggin’ … above. Let’s just let that sink in for a moment, shall we?

What do they measure? Why, nothing, that’s what they measure.

Yippee.

And in what has to be one of the biggest understatements in analyst-report history, the chart illustrating this embarrassing statistic is labeled: “Marketers are not Properly Focused on Barometer-Oriented Measures.” Really? What could possibly lead us to that conclusion?

Imagine the conversations that must be taking place between e-mail managers and chief marketing officers across the land:

CMO: How’s the e-mail marketing going, Bob?

E-mail Manager: Really great, Susan.

CMO: That’s great. What’s our revenue per subscriber these days?

E-mail Manager: High. It’s very high.

CMO: Wonderful! How high? Can you peg a dollar figure to it?

E-mail Manager: Well, not really. We don’t measure our campaigns that way.

CMO: Oh, well that’s OK, I guess. What’s our e-mail customers’ average order size?

E-mail Manager: Average order size?

CMO: Yes, Bob, average order size: the average dollar amount our customers spend per order. What is it?

E-mail Manager: Oh, right! That average order size! Of course! Well, it’s about average. You know, somewhere between high and low … Right about … you know, um. … in the middle.

CMO: Bob, you have no idea what our e-mail customers’ average order size is, do you?

E-mail Manager [pointing over the CMO’s shoulder]: Ohmygod! Susan! Lookout behind you!!

CMO [jerking her head around in fear]:  What?! What is it?! [thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump] Bob? … Bob? Damn, he’s gone again. How does he disappear like that?

To be fair, David Daniels, the report’s lead author, and vice president and director or research at JupiterResearch, said the problem seems to mainly stem from a lack of resources rather than ignorance on the part of mailers.

“I think the big syndrome here is ‘I’ve got to make the donuts,’” he said, referring to the 15-year Dunkin’ Donuts television ad campaign in which sleepy-eyed “Fred the Baker” says: “Time to make the donuts.” “People are so mired in the production process and there’s a real shortage of talent. This industry is somewhat young and people are still inexperienced in this medium.”

He added: “I don’t think it’s an issue of ignorance. That’s what I truly hope and pray.”

However, he said, it is imperative that e-mailers figure out some basic metrics, such as how much it costs to acquire an e-mail address and how much one is worth.

According to Daniels’ report, just 5% of business-to-consumer and 2% of business-to-business marketers said they track the value of their e-mail addresses.

“Yet, you have many more people looking at delivery rate, which we all know is a messy metric to begin with,” he said. “My whole point is if you don’t know the value of your e-mail addresses, however you arrive at that metric, you can’t make any other decisions.”

Oh, yes you can, David. You can make lots and lots of decisions without that information. They may damage your brand in ways you can’t even imagine, but, boy can you make decisions—gazillions of ‘em. This industry is proving it as we speak.

Now, would someone please pass me the scissors so I can cut some eyeholes in this bag?

To read Part I, click here.