Stupid Thief Watch: Most Thoughtfully Crafted Scam E-mail Ever

One of my favorite hobbies is communicating with Nigerian advance-fee 419 scammers. The reason: I like wasting as much of their time as possible. After all, as long as they’re busy crafting e-mails to me, they’re not stealing from anybody.

As a result, I measure success in terms of wasting the would-be thief’s time. And boy, did I hit the jackpot last week.

Lately, I’ve been corresponding with “Larisa, Personal Assistant to Mr. Boris Mikhail Khodorkovsky, the arrested Chairman/ CEO of Yukos Oil and Bank Menatep SPB in Russia who is presently in jail.”

Of course, before Boris went to jail, he gave Larisa millions of dollars, which she desperately needs help spiriting out of the country. After I answered her, she even went as far as to scan an ID and send a photo to me.

To Larisa, I am Upidsay Diotiay. That’s pig Latin for stupid idiot.

In my most recent e-mail to Larisa I told her I thought she was a handsome woman and that I would like to meet her someday, but had serious reservations about the deal she proposed. Isn’t Russia a little dangerous? I asked. Also, what about all these Internet scams I read about? And how did I know I could trust her? I also asked her what was up with the Hong Kong-based e-mail address she was using.

Turns out Larisa was more than up to the task of overcoming my objections. For one thing, according to Larisa, all those news reports of 419 advance-fee frauds are a government plot to keep poor, ignorant slobs in the dark and prevent them from enjoying riches that others enjoy from entering into these deals.

Also, according to Larisa, life is like golf balls: Sometimes you have to go through rough patches to reach your potential.

Well, I’ll let her explain it. The letter is long, but mostly worth it if only for the glimpse it offers into a thief’s mind. And Larisa certainly spent quite a bit of time on it, which was the goal of engaging her. Here it is unedited:

“Dear Upidsay Diotiay,

“I received your last email communication. You mentioned in your email of being afraid to give me your telephone numbers that i had requested from you, please note that it is very important that you furnish me with the complete details that i have requested from you and i promise you that we would not communicate via telephone anyway because of the circumstances surrounding this transaction.

“You may not know this, but i have to use an HK yahoo domain to disguise were exactly i am sending my secret letters to you from and i am also aware that i am being closely monitored by the Russian authorities. but i give you my word that nothing would go wrong at any stage of this transaction because i have mapped out all modalities to ensure that this transaction is hitch-free as long as you are able to keep to your own side of the deal. Diotiay, i have noticed your affection for me and also your compliments of myself being very beautiful and i thank you anyway for that and i really hope to meet you someday in the nearest future. But most importantly let us concentrate on the transfer process of this transaction and every other intimate things might/may not follow anyway (It is just a point)

”Indeed, I understand your concerns and I wish to address this issue of you not being comfortable because you dont know me. It were better we call a spade a spade instead of allowing ourselves to be engulfed in a situation that will do no one good.

”However, I still believe that your present apprehensions is as a result of the popular Internet scam reports you read or you were told, I must reiterate however that you must not swallow hook, line and sinker all that you have read or been told because there are reasons behind them, which will never be made known to you. I am aware of these reports, which are secretly being sponsored by your government. The government loses huge sums of money to this sort of transaction, which is quite common among American government officials and mostly with the assistance of foreign collaborators.

“The government is secretly fighting to discourage the foreign collaborators by painting all of such transactions as scam, albeit, this does not rule out the existence of scams.

”My dear, the truth is that many people remain poor in life today by virtue of their ignorance of certain privileged information. A lot of people are ignorant of the above information and have unwittingly blown several privilege opportunities that have come their way because they lose to leave the veil over their face and swallow the hook, line and sinker, the sponsored media report sold to them, which is exactly what these reports aim to achieve. It’s really very pathetic.

“However, the few intelligent ones with discerning minds among these people hardly fall for such media stunts because, their discerning minds observe that the media/internet reports on such transactions curiously never mention any single one of these transactions that is successful. Does it then mean that not a single transaction of this nature has been done by the united state government

“I think that your problem is that of fear, an almost all-consuming fear of the unknown, you are not so sure, you are afraid that something might go wrong and that this transaction might not be consummated or something of the sort, although I have given you assurances. In life, dreams and fears go hand in hand, so it is not out of place for you to be afraid. Even the most courageous men on earth have their own fears, but courage means being able to perform in the midst of your fear. It is said that an individual cannot discover new ocean until he has the courage to lose sight of the shores.

“Please I advise you to be courageous in this transaction and lets go ahead with this transaction. Everything will work out very well to our ultimate mutual advantage. Do not fear or despair, as our transaction has no bearing or any relation with scam, we presently have found ourselves (people of great hope and aspiration) in the most trying times where because of insufficient resources, little minds tend to spite us, but there is a dawn of hope, we have toiled all night, we can not give in to human dissuasions, history has a place for minds of steel.

“When they first manufactured golf balls, they made the cover smooth. Then it was discovered that after a ball had been roughened up one could get more distance out of it. So they started manufacturing them with Dimpled covers. So it is with life, it takes some rough spots in your life to make you go your farthest.

“My dear friend i want you to understand that the issue of fraud is an issue you and I must have to relegate to the background if we wished to work as partners in completing this noble transaction. This deal i am offering you has no relationship with scam and that is it. I give you my words and my word is my bond, I do not depart from it. Everything is just the way I say it is and let nothing change you.

“I want you to come all out partnering with me so that we make success in this effort. I need you to reconfirm to me your willingness to make our dream a reality,

“Let me hear from you after reading this email.
 
“Regards,
“Larisa Sosnitskaya”

Wow. Kind of makes you want to throw caution to the wind, get on a boat and hit golf balls, doesn’t it?