This Mothers Day, Dig Inappropriately into Her Past

And the award for creepiest holiday-oriented promotion goes to a recent e-mail campaign from PublicRecordsNow.com with the subject line: “Make Mom Smile this Mothers Day and Get 33% off a Background Report.”

At first glance, the campaign begs the question: “What if I do a background check and find out she’s not my mother?”

However, it turns out the campaign isn’t pitching background checks on recipients’ mothers. Rather, it is aiming to get recipients to dig into their mothers’ pasts in an attempt to hook the moms up with old friends.

“If you're looking for a meaningful gift, here's a great idea: Help mom get back in touch with close friends she has lost touch with over the years,” says the e-mail’s body copy.

The pitch then offers advice on how to find mom’s long-lost “friends.”

“Over the years, has mom talked about old childhood and school friends? Since childhood, has she moved from one state to another? Take a look at your mom’s wedding photos. Has she kept up with all the people in her wedding party? These are great opportunities to discover the people she cares about most.”

It apparently hasn’t occurred to the folks at PublicRecordsNow.com that one way to find out who someone really cares about most from their past is to see with whom they’ve remained in contact.

In any case, PublicRecordsNow.com also offers advice on how to become the family nudge: “Chances are, there are a few special friends she’s dying to speak with. Ask questions, try to find out full names and other details that will help you pinpoint who they are and where they live.”

Imagine the bonding sessions that could take place while an adult son or daughter prods mom for information: “Hey mom, what was your maid of honor’s name?”

“You mean Hussy the Bitch?”

“I don’t know. Do I?”

“Yes, I caught her trying to sleep with your father two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon. Never spoke to her again. Our last contact was my foot buried six inches deep in her rear end. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, no particular reason. Is there anyone from your wedding party who you’d like to get in touch with?”

“Yeah, there is. Charlie … Charlie what’s his name. He still owes us $25 for his tux rental. Why are you so interested in my wedding party? I barely speak to your father anymore, much less any of them.”

“Oh, never mind. Just forget I brought it up.”

Meanwhile, PublicRecordsNow.com saves its best advice for last under the heading “What to do when you find one of mom’s old friends:

“If they used to be very close, and they live close by, you might suggest they come for a surprise visit or that they meet you and your mom somewhere,” the e-mail said.

The possibilities here make the mind reel.

“Hey mom, remember Joey Two Fists, that alcoholic, cokehead gangster ex-boyfriend of yours who beat you up so often you went into the federal witness protection program to escape? Well, Happy Mothers Day!! He’s on his way over right now. Mom? Mom?”

Today’s lesson: Not all products are appropriate for holiday-related pitches. More specifically, someone in charge of promotions at PublicRecordsNow.com needs to get out of the office a little more often.