Stupid Marketing Watch: A Newsletter for Toothpaste?

For an example of one of the most ill-conceived e-mail marketing schemes in the short history of the medium, look no further than SmileTalk, an e-mail “newsletter” from Colgate-Palmolive.

SmileTalk arrived in my Gmail account last week. “You are receiving this e-mail because you have signed up for the Colgate SmileTalk e-newsletter as [me]@Gmail.com,” copy at the top of the message said.

Nonsense. It was unsolicited. I’m not sure where Colgate-Palmolive got my name and address, but I certainly did not knowingly register for SmileTalk.

Even if someone forge-subscribed my address or I gave “permission” at some third-party Web site by overlooking a pre-checked box, the marketing group at Colgate-Palmolive should know better than to think anyone would truly opt in to SmileTalk.

How do I know I simply didn’t forget opting in? Because it’s a newsletter about toothpaste, for &%@$#’s sakes.

What next, an e-mail newsletter about toilet paper called The Daily Poop?

What the heck do the marketing suits at Colgate-Palmolive possibly think they can put into a newsletter that will make the subject of toothpaste compelling reading?

Let’s check out last week’s issue:

“One Easy Step to a Healthier You!” said the headline.

OK: As long as they don’t start nagging about the vodka, beer and cigars… Oh, and the red meat, too. As long as they shut up about that…

“Hello Ken!” the newsletter continued.

”Colgate Total fights germs for a full 12 hours, protecting against a full range of oral health problems including the gum disease known as gingivitis. It’s just one step that you can take every day to live healthier.”

Gingivitis: Must be one of those response-triggering words. Yeah, that’s it: The three most powerful direct-response words in the English language are “free,” “you,” and “gingivitis.”

At least the empty suits in Colgate-Palmolive’s marketing group got the free part right. The newsletter offered a free sample of Colgate Total.

But then came more riveting reading:

“Did you know that studies show three out of four adults are affected with gum disease at some point in life, but that women are particularly vulnerable at certain stages of life?” SmileTalk asked, offering links to Colgate’s Web site for those wanting more information.

Ahhh, more gum disease—almost as compelling as toenail fungus and yeast infections. “Don’t bother me now, honey! I just got the latest edition of SmileTalk, and it’s their annual ‘Bleeding-Gums Spectacular!’”

Folks, SmileTalk is 100% Can-Spam compliant—and 100% marketing idiocy.

No one wants to read a newsletter about toothpaste. And no one is ever going to believe they knowingly signed up for one—even if Colgate-Palmolive has some sort of Web form showing the address was opted in.

As a print newsletter, SmileTalk would simply be a waste of money for which sooner or later the six-figure empty suit responsible would probably have to answer.

But in its current form, SmileTalk has the potential to stop all of Colgate-Palmolive’s e-mail from getting delivered as recipients hit the “report-spam” button.

A sender’s spam-complaint rate is the No. 1 gage the top inbox providers use to determine whether or not to deliver incoming messages into users’ inboxes or treat them as spam.

As a result, there are some marketers in the land of Colgate-Palmolive who are probably in for a painful lesson in e-mail deliverability.

Then again, if Colgate-Palmolive’s other e-mail communications are as valuable as SmileTalk, no one may ever notice they’re not getting through.