Stupid Buzzword Watch: Hold the ‘Bacn,’ Plz

The latest e-mail related tech-phrase, according to various online publications, is “bacn.” Yes, the missing ‘o’ is apparently purposeful. Bacn is reportedly a new term for e-mail that isn’t really wanted, but isn’t unwanted either, like Amazon recommendations, or account statements.

Bacn? Please. There are far better ways to describe the various types of e-mail than maligning another perfectly fine breakfast food. Warning, the following contains rough language, is tasteless, and is of questionable humor.

Here is a starter list of possible new e-mail words with the obligatory missing vowel in each:

Dogtrd—An e-mail to a group of co-workers from the boss regarding an issue that needs to be addressed—or cleaned up—by someone. However, it doesn’t name who should do it. You let it sit there, doing the electronic version of smelling in your inbox, hoping someone else will take care of it.

Cattrd—An unpleasant work e-mail that catches you by surprise just when you’ve come back from vacation. Those who own cats and who’ve been left the occasional welcome-home “present” understand this one.

Bullsht—An e-mail from the CEO explaining recent changes in the organization and how the layoffs—which result in more work for you—position your company to be “leaner and stronger in the face of challenges going forward.”

Horsesht—The e-mail six months later from what’s left of senior management explaining that said CEO has left the company—having irreversibly decimated it—to “spend more time with his family.”

Vmit—An e-mail from a boss or co-worker longer than a single screen—especially one that contains no paragraph breaks.

Projectile Vmit—An angry e-mail longer than a single screen from a co-worker attempting to cover his or her ass by pointing the finger at everyone else for his or her, well, fckup. In order to be a true projectile vmit, it must be cc’d to everyone the co-worker is trying to smear, and everyone above those whom the co-worker is trying to smear.

Hemrrhoid –An e-mail from a co-worker reminding the boss of anything the rest of us were hoping he or she forgot about, such as the Friday afternoon meeting.

Message to would-be e-mail term coiners: Leave the breakfast foods alone. Bodily functions are way better.