Stupid PR Watch: The Pitch from Catatonia

One of public relations professionals’ biggest complaints about reporters is we don’t return their calls or e-mails. It’s true. We often don’t respond.

And the reasons vary. The pitch could be off target. It could be a case of bad timing. We may even find the pitch interesting, make a mental note to follow-up, and then get on deadline and forget about it.

Or maybe the reason we didn’t call back is because the pitch put us into a catatonic state. Such was the case with a pitch received here several weeks back.

It was so buzzword laden that before it put me into a catatonic state, it made me cock my head to the side like a confused dog.

Here is the whole thing unedited with the exception of the company’s name and description:

“Hello Ken:

“As Cyber Monday nears, I want to bring to your attention a new Web 2.0 eCommerce concept that is largely growing in Europe’s online retail industry and one that marketing executives should capitalize on as the percentage of consumers who buy online grows this holiday season. [Company whose pitch made me cock my head like a confused dog and then fall into a catatonic state] is highlighting some new concepts for marketing retail executives to utilize in order to stay ahead of the curve by transitioning from Web 1.0 to Web 2.0 practices. User-generated Web 2.0 websites such as MySpace and Facebook have taken the Internet by storm but have stayed far away from the eCommerce space. The current eCommerce process, from selecting a product to completing the transaction, is often so cumbersome, complicated, or time-consuming for users that a significant amount of transactions are never completed.

“[Company whose pitch made me cock my head like a confused dog and then fall into a catatonic state] is spearheading the change of current online buying experiences and urging online retailers to stay competitive and understand the consequences of a weak online presence. According to Jupiter Research 27 percent of all purchasing decisions in 2005 – both online or offline – were influenced by the Internet. This share is likely to increase to over 50 percent by 2010. Are you interested in speaking with [company whose pitch made me cock my head like a confused dog and then fall into a catatonic state] or in a contributed article about the need to harness Web 2.0 ecommerce platforms to satisfy rapidly rising customer expectations?”

Zzzzzzzz. What? What was that? Wait a minute. Let me just clean up that little drool puddle on my desk. OK. There.

In defense of the person who sent this pitch, PR professionals who want to remain employed don’t do anything without their clients’ approval, so there’s probably quite a bit of the client’s language in the two paragraphs above.

But the pitch literally says nothing beyond: “The Internet is an important retail channel, your readers should be using Web 2.0 e-commerce platforms [whatever they are] and my client wants to talk to you about it.”

And it says it in such a way as to suggest I’d have to smash cinder blocks on my head throughout the interview just to stay conscious. And they want me to subject readers to this Web 2.0 cliché gobbledygook?

Come to think of it, I just did.

Hello? Anybody out there? Great. Everybody’s fallen into a coma. Just great.