An Unpopular Opinion

Making a negative comment about McDonald's is like making a negative comment about God and motherhood.

Not since I saw a full-page ad for Louis Vuitton with the tagline A journey brings us face to face with ourselves — and featuring, as a model, the 21st-century version of for-sale celebrities Arnold Palmer and Bill Cosby, Mikhail Gorbachev — have I so profoundly questioned the identification value of a slogan.

This conclusion is based on one of the most unscientific surveys in the Hallowed History of Hamburgers. I asked 50 people, all of supposedly sound mind, whose slogan that is. Six named McDonald's. (The surprising winner: Nike, which has its own billion-dollar-hyped slogan.)

OK, OK, you're a sophisticated marketer and you know McDonald's, as is true of so many big names, has abandoned mnemonic concepts in favor of “I'm lovin' it.”

And what's the problem with “I'm lovin' it”? All right, here's my unpopular opinion, in two parts.

Part 1: It doesn't resonate. It's in its fifth year, and paralleling the company's ever-impacting “Billions and billions served,” this one could be titled “Millions and millions spent”…with vocals by such semi-talents as Justin Timberlake. It's too generic to be memorable.

Tired old Burger King hit its high spot with “Have it your way.” Wendy's literally built its reputation on “Where's the beef?” People used those as conversational clichés — “OK, Big Shot, have it your way”…“Hmm, Mister ‘Big,’ where's the beef?”

Part 2: Nothing relates it to gastronomy. It might apply to astronomy. Yeah, I can see an illustration of somebody looking through a telescope, with an inset of a globe labeled ‘Mars’ on which a goony-looking creature waves, with the phrase “I'm lovin' it.” Hey, guys, we're talking fast food here.

Let's go back 35 years or so. McDonald's built golden arches all over the place with “You deserve a break today.” Why is that hoary one superior to “I'm lovin' it”? It demands an emotional response. In your own universe, conduct your own unscientific survey. Chances are many will name it as McDonald's current slogan.

In its trudgings through the jingle treacle, McDonald's had such rate-holders as “We love to make you smile” and “Food, folks and fun.” Remember those? You don't? Good.

Do slogans grow old and in need of replacement, like worn-out tires? That's a definite maybe, because Wheaties is still The Breakfast of Champions and American Express must wish it hadn't veered from “Don't leave home without it.”

Kentucky Fried Chicken, a monument to my favorite food (although as a proletarian gourmet I think Popeyes, with no apostrophe, is tastier), has been through the slogan wars and may have suffered market share as a result. From the classic “Finger-lickin' good” to the workmanlike “We do chicken right”…“America loves what the Colonel cooks.” About four years ago, in an apparent panic over trans fats, up came “Kitchen Fresh Chicken,” such a radical departure many thought it came from a competitor, not from good old KFC. KFC would have maintained image, just as IBM solidly represents International Business Machines.

A couple of months ago U.K. ad agency Bartle Bogle Hegarty came up with an innovative new slogan for KFC: “Finger-lickin' good.” Hey, that's catchy. Better yet, it's memorable. Best yet, BBH hasn't fallen into the standard ad-agency think trap, “We'd better make changes or we won't be making our commissions.”

Shouldn't a tagline be relevant? UPS has one that accents the company's color: “What can brown do for you?” It certainly beats what it replaced, “Synchronizing the world of commerce.”

Bridgestone Tires has a puzzler: “Passion for excellence.” The advertising agency probably is pleased with that generic, but can you envision a customer asking why he or she should buy a Bridgestone Tire…and the dealer says, “Because they have a passion for excellence”? A dealer is on the firing line, and a dealer knows a competitive edge makes the sale where “Passion for excellence” results in a shrug.

In a multimedia ad-blizzard world, memorable slogans become rare. What's the current one for Chevrolet? Ford? Apple? Burger King? Wendy's? Arby's? Delta Airlines? Exxon? Hilton (the hotels, not Paris, because that one wouldn't be printable)? Kraft cheese?

You might know one or two, but the glory days are in eclipse. Not to worry. If you're an advertising executive currently driving a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce, don't waste your time looking for this one: “There's a Ford in your future.”

Maybe Tata, though.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”