One No-Trump

AS WE SORT THROUGH THE DAY'S ENDLESS SUPPLY OF e-mails and blogs, most of which seem to have been scattered to the wind with no thought of aiming at a specific target, every now and then one gives us a chuckle.

I'm looking at an unsolicited e-mail: “Are you interested in being mentored by Donald Trump?”

Who sent it? Trump University.

The answer to the question is easy: “Hell, no.” But the very existence of that e-mail raises another question: Did somebody pay the outlandish going rate (about $370 per thousand) for an e-mail list to send that ego-driven invitation?

Trump University does exist, at least online. I looked for a physical address, but all that exists under “Contact us” is an 877 number. It has to be a major drop in style for Donald Trump to offer a toll-free number, but that may be because some prospective “students” remember the failed Trump Airline and the financial problems the guy has had in Atlantic City.

The marketing department — as is true, by the way, of some genuine universities — seems to be outside the orbit of the educational department. Along with “Trump University is an online education company that delivers a world-class business curriculum to a broad range of customers, including small business owners, professionals, and employees of business organizations” is the admission, “Trump University does not offer credits or degrees.”

Hey there, Don baby: As a prime educator you should know the wording should be “nor degrees” — but since you don't offer any degrees, academia isn't suffering. Nor is anyone, except maybe a barber's apprentice who thinks nuzzling with you, even in your online non-university, will result in insight into peculiar orange hair comb-overs.

So why isolate this offer from the tens of thousand of others in the Web bombardment? Because whether it's Donald Trump or the “All-Mom Garage Band Frump,” professional attention to the “who” of targeting a market seems to be vanishing. It's another marketing non-specific, another example of “Look at me” trumping (word used advisedly) “Because you're you.”

Because I'm I, another suitor sent me an e-mail: “eBay now hiring.” That's mainline, all right, although I had hoped for Google. I can get a free “eBay Success Kit.” Ahhh…to get it I have to give them a lot of information, including the country I live in. Hmm. Country? Can't use Neverland. That one has been taken and spoiled.

But the invitation that most reminded me of the Groucho Marx comment, “I don't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member,” is an 8,034-word e-mail — yep, that's not a misprint, 8,034 words — headed “The Investment Club You Can't Get Into.”

Guess what? Surprise! I can get into it, for just $79.

I know it's sacrilegious, but I have the nagging suspicion that you, too, can invade this elite club if you have $79. That adds just a thin coat of rust to the sterling silver.

Just a few words from the well-written pitch: “My name is James Boxley Cooke. I'm a former executive with one of the largest and most powerful mutual fund groups in the United States, with over $240 billion in assets under management. But today I head a much more prestigious group, a private investment fellowship that specializes in taking ordinary investors and turning them into millionaires…and multimillionaires.

“Perhaps you've seen our Investment Director Alexander Green featured on Fox News Channel's ‘The O'Reilly Factor.’ In essence, our group combines intimate, well-placed contacts…with outstanding, battletested investment strategies. It's this combination that could put an extra half million dollars in your pocket in the year ahead.

“Please accept my invitation today and join The Oxford Club for just $79. This membership drive will end soon and so will this special offer of nearly 50% off the annual dues of $149.”

I admit to being uninformed. I know who Warren Buffett is and who Bill Gates is, so I certainly should have known James Boxley Cooke, especially since he's a former executive. I Googled him and found 126 references, most of which referred to this club. (My name has more than 140,000 Google references, James baby, so maybe we could combine forces — well, make that farces.)

I may have wandered from a more serious point: E-mail has become Dodge City, and renegades are wandering the dusty streets with unholstered rhetorical six-shooters in their hands. No, I'm not suggesting regulation, not even of those claims of little blue pills that instantly replace a guy's worn-out Vespa libido-engine with a Mack truck.

I am suggesting that list companies, whose Web prices border on or have crossed the border into outlandish territory, start exercising the cautions they used to apply to direct mail: Supply a sample or proof, or the names aren't yours.

Yeah, this is another impossible dream. But shouldn't it bother all of us to have our credibility dragged down by being invited to “universities” we'd attend only if we had paper bags over our heads shielding our identities or “clubs” whose membership is even less exclusive than a listing in the telephone directory?

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. His 29th book, “Open Me Now,” was published last year. Another recent title is his new personal favorite, the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising.” Among his other books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”