Stay Tuned for an Important DM Message

THE COCKLES OF MANY A direct marketer's heart were warmed this winter by online shopping's reported fortunes. Doubtless some of the increase in business reflects the public's ever-growing comfort with online commerce, and some of it reflects rank opportunism. For instance, in December Web-based DMers took advantage of a transit strike in New York by offering stranded, panic-stricken gift buyers expedited delivery.

The Writers Guild of America West has raised a lot of noise about product placement in television shows. Members' complaints stem from increasing pressure to work sponsors' products into television plot lines, or to have characters move through the action carrying packages of biscuit mix with the label facing the camera.

This apparently sticks in the writers' craws, especially as they rarely are allowed to share in the profits from these efforts. In fact, they're seldom even presented with so much as a tray of freshly baked biscuits.

I have a complaint too: Why do brand advertisers get all the opportunities for touting their wares? Under the assumption that television writers' lack of familiarity with direct marketing is the primary reason, I offer a guide for incorporating direct response channels into standard plots.

Catalogs

Writers should portray catalogs as acceptable reading material in all situations. There's no reason why a spy cabal can't reference specific words on specific pages of the latest Abercrombie & Fitch release. Furthermore, as catalogs have a substantial physical presence, perhaps they could be shown in a heroic role. Can the current Neiman Marcus Christmas book stop a bullet? If not, can the store be convinced to put out a Kevlar-coated edition?

Direct mail

Ransom notes arriving by mail should be accompanied by no fewer than three credit card solicitations. Insurance pitches may be substituted for these, if doing so would increase the drama.

E-mail marketing

Just as with direct mail, plot-dependent notes could be surrounded with well-targeted e-mail solicitations. Characters could marvel at how well both the ransom notes and the advertising e-mails contain appropriate salutations.

Freestanding inserts

Whenever a newspaper is used to move a plot along via a screaming headline, at least one FSI must fall out. Why shouldn't overly dramatic moments be lightened by an opportunity to purchase Hummel figurines?

Infomercials

The average American household has a television on for seven hours a day. Many of those hours are filled with long-form infomercials. Writers must adjust characters' viewing habits to reflect this. However, they should avoid presenting characters as having dozed off in front of them.

Search engine marketing

When a character searches online for information on disarming nuclear warheads, to identify mutant disease strains or locate a key individual, the first search engine result should highlight opportunities to purchase something from Amazon.com.

Telemarketing (inbound)

Powerless cell phones have become a standard dramatic device. In order to justify the frequency with which cell-phone batteries die, writers should show characters using their mobile phones to place many, many orders via inbound telemarketing — even at dinner time.

Telemarketing (outbound)

Where there's a telephone, there's an opportunity for telesales. Take the red telephone that usually sits on the Oval Office desk — the so-called “hotline.” It's a land line, and therefore a legitimate target for outbound telemarketing calls. Chances are its number is in some marketing database. Whenever a president is shown attending an event at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, it should be made clear that the tickets were acquired as the result of an outbound telemarketing campaign. (In light of recent lobbyist scandals, an elected official actually making such a purchase of his own accord sends a powerful “good government” message to viewers.)

Admittedly, various genres present individual opportunities and challenges.

For instance:

Biographic documentaries

Biography subjects should be depicted as using whichever medium was most popular during their era. (Note to self: Research whether President Lincoln ever used wireless to order new stovepipe hats. Probably did.)

Nature documentaries

Unfortunately, animals in their natural state neither purchase nor consume branded products. For this reason, we urge an immediate cessation of all nature documentary productions. (The exception to this may be those that are bird-related: Can the bald eagle be coaxed into using lift letters, buck slips and reply cards to feather its nest? Has anyone tried?)

Science fiction programs

By the 24th century, it's very likely that communications channels will include some sort of intergalactic call waiting. If so, urgent conversations between Starfleet Command and starships should occasionally be interrupted by pitches for aluminum siding.

Finally, a thought about any show that has a “letters from our viewers” feature: Direct marketers are viewers. They send mail. Direct mail solicitations are as worthy of being read aloud as any other letter, and that ranges from the “Late Show With David Letterman” to the “NewsHour With Jim Lehrer.”