Tales From the Twilight Zone

Here at the Direct editorial offices we don't quite work 24/7, although it does feel that way sometimes.

But we are thinking of you — our beloved readers — always. That's why when I couldn't sleep one recent night I grabbed my handy dandy notebook and decided to give you an update on the world of infomercials. This is what one consumer found while flipping through the channels at 3 a.m., when one's mind is somewhere between the dreaming and the twilight zone. And if I interpreted anything wrong from what I think I saw…hey, you try and read notes you took in the dark while lying down.

Also, please keep in mind that these are my half-asleep (slightly edited) thoughts and are in no way an insult to any of the fine products mentioned. I'm sure if I had been more awake I'd have bought them all and be using them all right this very minute. Witch's honor.

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Wow! That chipper blonde woman lost 20 pounds and went from a size 12 to a size 4. And that bald man lost 61 pounds and went from a 36-inch waist down to a 29. Gee, you know, none of these people looked too bad in their “before” photos. But they're all thrilled with the SlimIn6 “body transformation system,” a set of videos that will help you lose 10 pounds and six inches in six days. Or 10 days, I'm not sure which. New videos every other month will turn your body into a “fat burning machine.” Sounds smelly…

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Hey, is that Phyllis Diller above a toll-free number, 1-800-End-Pain? She doesn't look in pain. No, wait that's not Phyllis Diller, but whoever she is, if she buys two bottles of Flexcon, she gets one free. Is that Howie Mandel playing a radio host? And now a white-haired woman is talking about hiking the Appalachian Trail. Who is she supposed to be? She's part of “The Duke and the Doctor” radio show? But is she the Duke or the Doctor?

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A spot for the Oreck Vacuum Cleaner — wait, I've seen a short form of this spot (maybe this is the short form?) at an earlier hour. I was very tempted then, and I was very awake, but annoyed when I never heard them say the actual price. But ooh, it comes in red or yellow or black…

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A very geeky-looking gentleman is talking about something called the American Investor Network. Hmmm, if I took him up on his offer maybe I'd be rich and not up at 3:20 am wondering how I was going to fill up white space in a magazine. Only one payment of $39.95, huh? And only 38 seconds left to call…

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A friendly looking man in a flannel shirt is talking about something called the Q Grill. It's portable, and did he say there's something free? Grill — hmmm, pork chops would be nice…

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ShopAtHomeTV.com is plugging the “most comprehensive computer system” ever offered! No hyperbole here! But this is an amazingly dull spot. For several minutes nothing is shown except a computer monitor screen and a hand pointing to something on it every few seconds. Maybe they couldn't get someone pretty enough to appear on camera to work at this time of night. They should get that blonde SlimIn6 chick. Or Phyllis Diller, now that she's no longer in pain…

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Oh my gosh! A FREE offer from Susan Lucci! It's a sparkly face cream called Youthful Essence that you rub into your face with something resembling a miniature belt sander. Um, well, the people using it look very happy. And other “All My Children” actors and actresses like it? Wow, it must be good if they're doing this spot out of the goodness of their hearts to help their pal Susan. And her daughter uses it too? But why is her daughter on a different soap opera? Y'know, if my mom kept trying to get me to use a belt sander on my face I'd run away too…

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Hey, it's the Sleep Number Adjustable Bed. But who's that woman? Didn't Lindsay Wagner — “The Bionic Woman” — used to be the spokesperson for this product? I'd trust a superheroine over this generic mouthpiece any day. But then again, how good is this bed if these people are up at 3:36 a.m. talking about it? They should be asleep. I think they sell these at a store in the mall now. Maybe I'll try one the next time I…

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