Stupid Business Watch: After-the-Rapture E-mail Service Debuts

From the comically flawed-business-model file comes the recent launch of the “You’ve Been Left Behind” after-the-rapture e-mail service.

Ostensibly, the service allows Christians who are saved and whisked off to heaven just before Armageddon arrives to send e-mail messages to friends and family who aren’t.

Note: Lightheartedly poking fun at the business model behind an after-the-rapture e-mail service should not be construed as disrespect for anyone’s religious beliefs. Magilla has the utmost respect for all people of faith whose beliefs do not advocate or translate into violence.

However, this business model was just too goofy to pass up.

According to various online sources, those who believe in the Rapture contend that before Armageddon and the second coming of Christ, God will take all those who are saved into heaven, leaving the rest of us down here on earth wondering what happened to them as the fireworks to follow begin.

For an initial fee of $40 for one year—the following years’ fees will be determined by the number of members—You’ve Been Left Behind’s after-the-rapture e-mail service allows subscribers to set up documents that can be sent to up to 62 e-mail addresses automatically just after they disappear to explain what happened.

According to a press release, YouveBeenLeftBehind.com employs a “dead-man’s switch” so that when the presumably saved operators of the Web site disappear, they will fail to take some sort of regularly scheduled action and the after-the-rapture e-mails will begin to go out.

OK, so let’s think about this for a moment, shall we? First, it’s not really a dead man’s switch, is it? It’s more like a “saved man’s” switch.

Also, let’s say the service gets 10,000 subscribers. That’s 620,000 messages coming all at once from IP addresses that previously have shown little to no activity. As a result, Internet service providers’ anti-spam filters will most certainly block or divert them into recipients’ spam folders.

Who’s going to be around at You’ve Been Left Behind to conduct ISP relations? Maybe the group should employ a staff of the damned to make sure things go smoothly after all those who are saved disappear. Some Unitarians would probably be up for the job—they’re such an amenable bunch, after all.

Otherwise, imagine Satan standing at the gates of hell laughing manically and telling a seemingly endless procession of new souls: “You should have checked your spam folders! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Lastly, envision the circumstances under which this service will operate: Among other things, four horsemen will have come riding out of the sky, the forces of righteousness will be locked in the ultimate battle with the antichrist, celestial trumpets are blowing, and the gates of hell are open and beckoning.

And someone’s going to say: “Wait just a second while I check my e-mail?”