Stupid Scammer Watch: Sincerely, Shove It

As some readers may be aware, I occasionally respond to Nigerian 419 e-mail scams. The idea is to have some fun and hopefully waste a little of their time, making it time they can’t use scamming.

I had a particularly enjoyable exchange with a 419 scammer recently and decided to publish it here.

Warning: The following is arguably the crudest piece ever published in this newsletter. No, seriously. I’m not kidding.

For those who don’t know, Nigerian 419 fraud—named after the applicable Nigerian legal code—is a scam where someone claims to have millions of dollars they’d like to get out of a country, usually Nigeria, but needs assistance doing so. The scammers offer would-be dupes a large percentage of the transaction if they’ll let the money pass through their account.

Once someone takes the bait, they are told some advance fees are required to process paperwork or bribe government officials. When 419 fraud works, the scammer will keep coming up with new fees and the scammee will keep paying in an effort not to lose money already spent.

Two weeks ago, I received a 419 scam e-mail from a “Mr. Peter Lee” claiming to be an executive at “Hang Seng Bank” with $25.6 million in an account owned by a client who died with no next of kin.

According to Mr. Lee, all I had to do was pose as this person’s next of kin to get 30% of the account.

So I created a special e-mail account just for this discussion, ShuvittInyurass@yahoo.com, and answered him:

“Dear Mr. Lee:

“Thank you for contacting me. I am interested in your proposal.

“But I must make sure I can trust you. In my family, there has been a history of bad luck and unfortunate business dealings.

“My name is Shuvitt Inyurass.

“I have traced my last name to pre-communist Russia where the Inyurasses were affluent peasants, or kulaks, as their class was known.

“After the Communist revolution, the kulaks were declared enemies of the people and most of the Inyurasses were sent to the Russian gulag system never to be seen again.

“However, my great grandfather Puhttitt Inyurass escaped to the west by train and then immigrated to America. Somehow, he had enough money to found the Inyurass Ointment Company.

“Family lore has it that Great Grandpa Puhttitt fell in with the Goscruyerself Russian crime family, and that’s how he got the money.

“In any case, Great Grandpa Puhttitt wrote his son, my grandfather, Yurhedis Inyurass out of his will after Yurhedis left the family to start the Inyurass Hair Removal Company.

“The Inyurass Hair Removal Company is very successful, but my father, Lance D. Boyle Inyurass, who took over the business from Granddad Yurhedis, has let it be known that he is passing the entire business to my brother Rahmitt Inyurass.

“I also have an uncle named Pierce D. Boyle Inyurass, aka “Pop,” but, alas, he is untrustworthy.

“Last I heard, Uncle ‘Pop’ D. Boyle Inyurass married a young hussy named Hemma Royd.

“Aunt Hemma—I can’t believe I’m calling her that; she’s younger than I am—and Uncle “Pop” had a daughter and named her Lihtta Pharty Inyurass.

“But their marriage went sour after Uncle “Pop” had an affair and began spending all his money on gambling and drink.

“So you see, my family history is one broken trust after another. I have a great deal of trouble believing people, even members of my own family.

“I have a good feeling about you, though. The tone of your letter is very kind.

“But still, I am wary. How do I know I can trust you? Would you please supply some more details on the transaction you propose?

“Sincerely:

“Shuvitt Inyurass”

Mr. Lee responded with what looked to be a form letter asking for some personal information including my age and occupation. The idea behind stringing along 419 scammers is to try and get personal letters from them so they spend some of their would-be scamming time not scamming.

So I responded again: