The One Worst Question: A Lesson Taught in Song

“Where can I buy a list of e-mail names?” It’s the single worst professional question an e-mail marketer can ask a vendor. There are worse non-professional questions—“Would you please shave my back hair?” comes to mind—but we won’t go into those.

As stated in this newsletter before, legitimate e-mail lists that mailers can buy, take possession of the names, and e-mail with no restrictions simply do not exist.

The only legitimate form of e-mail prospecting are rental agreements under which list owners send offers to their own lists under their own names on renters’ behalves, and even that can be a risky proposition depending on how loosey goosey the list owner is with the file.

This should be common knowledge by now, but apparently it’s not.

“The first thing new and prospective clients ask me is: ‘Where can I buy an e-mail list?’” said one vendor recently.

At the risk of boring long-time readers, let’s go over why this question is so wrong one more time.

Purchased e-mail lists are by definition not permission based. The marketer who buys names and mails to them will invariably draw significantly increased spam complaints while hitting spam traps and a bunch of nonexistent addresses. This will result in e-mail delivery troubles as inbox providers determine the marketer is mailing to a garbage list and begin blocking the marketer’s mail.

Moreover, once the mailer’s e-mail reputation is damaged with this mailing, it may take months to clean up.

But I nag too much. And it’s almost Christmas! So what better way to hammer this message home than through song?

In the spirit of the season, I’ve written a couple list-themed carols.

The first is to be sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells.” Here goes:

Don’t buy lists
Don’t buy lists

E-mail’s not like print

A purchased list of e-mail names isn’t worth its weight in lint.

Don’t buy lists
Don’t buy lists

E-mail’s not like print

A purchased list of e-mail names isn’t worth its weight in lint.

That person you don’t know

Trying to sell you names

Is probably a criminal

You’re in a sucker’s game, hey!

Don’t buy lists
Don’t buy lists

E-mail’s not like print

A purchased list of e-mail names isn’t worth its weight in lint.

Don’t buy lists
Don’t buy lists

E-mail’s not like print

A purchased list of e-mail names isn’t worth its weight in lint.

Yeah, yeah. I know. E-mail addresses don’t weigh anything. But I needed something to rhyme with print. And, yes, I shouldn’t quit my day job.

But an utter lack of talent has never stopped me before, so here’s another sung to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”

Nancy the red-faced marketer, had a very shiny list

E-mail permission practices, she ruled with an iron fist

All of the other marketers used to laugh and call her names

“As long as we’re Can-Spam compliant, we can play permission games”

Then one foggy 4Q eve, the CMO came to say

Nancy with your list so bright, won’t you add these names tonight?

The CMO’s file was garbage

As any e-mail manager knows

But she added the names as ordered

Now Her Reputation Blowwwwwwws!

Merry Christmas Everybody!