Here He Goes Again!

'Twas the night before Christmas, a time for no joys
Because Santa could not afford presents and toys.
Why not? Well, like most of us, it's a tough time,
And his North Polar mortgage was really sub-prime.
Worse, his deadly stockholding, like so many others,
Was a lousy investment in sad Lehman Brothers.
And he'd wanted some bright wooden trim for his sleigh,
But the idea went down with the fall of Bombay.
He hoped both sleigh and reindeer would not lose endurance,
Because AIG had covered all their insurance.
Ah, he thought, I'll at least get a quality yield
From gift packages from that great store, Marshall Field.
Nope, another great notion that's now pushing daisies
Because Marshall Field now is a blue-collar Macy's.
Hmm, some books would be nice for my favorite elf.
Too bad: Borders is selling not books but itself.
Why not go for top fashions, a perfect gift turn-on?
Uhhh, who's today's owner of Lillian Vernon?
Maybe sharp electronics, a wonderful notion.
Not from The Sharper Image, stopped dead in mid-motion.
From these oh-so-bleak bits you'd be bound to detect
That we marketers suffer from sub-prime effect.
Yeah, if negative numbers are any true sign,
The days of wild growth are in savage decline.
But even in these days, the toughest of times,
Some smarties reap in lots of nickels and dimes.
With his ho-ho-ho missing, old Claus is Sad Sack,
Caused by absence of marketing savvy — a lack
That puts him at the bottom of marketing's barrel
Where he ain't even worth an old-time Christmas carol.
No, the angels continue to sing where they've sung,
For the shrewd direct marketers on the top rung
Who know how to swing out of that foul “tough times” bubble
While the moaners and groaners just sigh, “We got trouble.”
Now, just what do they do in their marketing heaven
That keeps bottom lines out of, uh-oh, Chapter 7?
Well, for one thing, they know the consumer's true key:
Not just “Hey, what is this?” but “What's in it for me?”
And they know how to make it seem honest and true
When their subject line says, “This is only for you.”
They know how to make up a quick, instant need
Based on salesmanship geared to a customer's greed.
They know their competitors sit there just flipping
While their own offers seize on today's phrase, “Free shipping.”
They aren't awed, they aren't cowed, they aren't thrown out of kilter
Just because someone fears they'll set off a spam filter.
They know offer, not glitz, brings the folks to their store,
Where a two-color job outpulls printing in four.
All right, folks: If your own numbers now are declining,
Be aware that your world has a pure silver lining:
Throw out gloom and doom. Let the great expert take charge.
Who? Aw, you know who: your Curmudgeon-at-large.
He's both able and qualified to best assess,
Because he's the master of world-class b.s.
So gird up your loins and start pouring the wassail
As you ruminate on the words of this old fossil:
You can drop every trouble, discard every fear,
And then restart them all as you start the new year.
So a big, happy toast with much cheering and gladness,
As we say “So long” to this year's marketing madness!

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”