You Can Quote Them…Well, More or Less

Looking back through history, both recent and ancient, one can wonder how successful certain events would have been if the principals had been shrewd and savvy enough to pick up some of our advertising and marketing talk.

For example, visualize how much more dynamic Lincoln's Gettysburg Address would have been with a single simple insert: “Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war. But wait, there's more!”

Get the idea? Here's George W. Bush, addressing the Iraqi people on the eve of the invasion: “You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.”

Or Ronald Reagan: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall. Results 100% guaranteed.”

Moving back in history, we have DMA Hall of Famer Benjamin Franklin, with “We must hang together, gentlemen…else, we shall most assuredly — Good to the last drop — hang separately.”

The wireless operator on the Titanic could have achieved greater immortality with, “Mayday! Mayday! This is not a sales call.”

Now that we're in gear, let's include Paul Revere: “One if by land. Two if by sea. Three if you call before midnight, June 15.” Or maybe, “The British are coming. Act now.”

John McCain and Sarah Palin could have used better advertising for their failed presidential campaign. This might have worked: “Buy one, get one free.”

Or for World War II: “Blood, sweat, and tears…20% off, this week only.”

Remember Franklin D. Roosevelt's immortal line? It could have been even more immortal with a basic additive: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So buy now and save.”

The fiasco at Guantanamo Bay could have been averted if our warlords had studied the simple art of persuasion, saying to each detainee: “Free shipping.”

Ah, a classic: “I disagree with what you say, but now, for a limited time only, I shall defend to the death your right to say it.” And a logical addition: “You take no risk.”

Vladimir Putin, answering a call on the Red Phone from a frantic CIA station: “All our representatives are assisting other customers. Please stay on the line and the next available agent will be with you shortly.”

Or the CIA office itself, responding to a warning call about a ballistic missile about to strike: “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line, or call back later.”

President Barack Obama, on his tax plan: “Ninety-five percent will not have an increase. You can't lose. You must be satisfied.”

Remember Lt. Col. Oliver North, major-domo of the Iran/Contra scandal and now a commentator for Fox News? Strange as it may be, “America loves what the Colonel cooks.”

We can bring poetry into the mix. After all, too many Elizabethan poems were flat and colorless. Let's give John Donne some punch: “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee. For everything else, there's MasterCard.”

How about a pickup from John Milton, for the combined Delta and Northwest Airlines alliance, on behalf of passengers standing at the carousel hoping their luggage will appear? “They also serve who only stand and wait.”

Into the world of entertainment, where moderately talented Cameron Diaz — whose unscripted verbalisms seem to be limited to “I'm, like,” or “He was, like” — might have offered some coherence after being paid $35 million to be a voice in an animated cartoon by admitting: “I'm lovin' it.”

Or Jennifer Aniston, who seems to collect and discard boyfriends like squeezed lemons: “If you're not 100% satisfied, simply return it for a full refund.”

We can't leave the immortal bard gasping for inclusion. Here's Juliet, staring worriedly from her balcony. “O Romeo, Romeo, frankly, I'm puzzled. Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Her boyfriend, assuming he can hear her through the iPod earbuds plastered to his head, saunters out of the alley: “Honey, I'm home.”

And the only logical way to end is with Hercules, about to use two rivers to wash the mess off the floor of the Augean stables: “Don't try this at home.”

Are you reading this over your morning coffee? Right on: Breakfast of champions. Or, depending on your reaction, please don't squeeze the Charmin.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”