Nope, Don't Wanna Talk Wid You

That was the delightfully friendly (fiendly?) way a telemarketer opened what turned out to be a delightfully short conversation with whoever delightfully answered our phone.

Telemarketing seems to have spiraled a long way downward from its warm, fuzzy origins. At one time telemarketing was aspiring to be the marketing media monarch. Now it's an ancillary, victim of both prejudice and abuse.

The days of starting a call by self-identification, or even with the boilerplate “How are you today?” or “This is not a sales call” or “You've been invited to participate in a survey” have given way, far too often, to an imperious and semi-literate demand: “I wanna talk wid Lewis.”

OK, Lewis here, and I don't wanna talk wid you…not unless you offer some equivalence in the proposed conversation, without the sonic bleed-over of others making boilerplate calls from their poorly sectioned boiler room.

The calls sometimes are hilarious, especially if we're feeling mischievous and bait the telemarketer with questions. “You say this stock will climb in the next few days? How many shares do you own, and what did you pay for them?” Or, “How does that insurance interface with Medicare Part D?”

When the caller tells me the purpose of the call is to tell me I've won a prize, I've learned to say, pleasantly and without heat, “That's good news. I'll look for it. Thank you.” I then hang up. (What a surprise — none of the prizes has arrived. Must be another glitch in the postal system.) When it's someone struggling with a script for the Federation of Police, asking for money, we explain that our company policy requires a mailed solicitation, so please send the information by mail. (So far no one has.)

A clue to the telemarketing company that wants to avoid a 500% annual employee turnover based on minimal results: Three components lead to actual listening.

The first component is the ability to speak English without having the listener on the other end wondering what the words actually are.

The second component is having enough of the commonly asked questions on the caller's computer screen so he or she can assume an air of confidence, a major asset in any selling situation.

The third component is not turning a prospective telemarketer loose until a supervisor has shadowboxed with him or her. Desperation is a guaranteed loser tool, whether that desperation is in the executive office or in the telephone mouthpiece.

“Do not call” is a challenge. Because we're in the marketing game, we have “do not call” on some lines but have left others open so we can gauge what's going on. Complete withdrawal would parallel (as I'm constantly told many advertising agencies do) telling the mailroom to throw all standard mail into the trash so none gets to those who get paid to compete with it.

Prerecorded bulk calls? This seems to be the principal offender giving the whole genre of telemarketing a negative image. It's exacerbated even more when the technology is imperfect, resulting in a time gap between completed call and the beginning of the recording.

Have someone literate call, able to read a civilized script that doesn't quickly shred its seven veils to reveal it's being read, and those of us who hang up before the first sentence gets excreted might hang on.

What's wrong with “I'm calling to ask if you might be interested in a 20-inch Northgate computer monitor for less than $150”? The specifics outweigh the intrusion. And, parenthetically, spelling out the numbers avoids the stumbling we hear too often.

Whatever evils have beset the once-noble art of telemarketing, none begins to compete on the annoyance meter with the call we make, to hear: “All our representatives are helping other customers. Please stay on the line.” Then, to show us how “with it” the company is, a blast of sound…instead of Johann Strauss, it's Mick Jagger.

See the silver lining? Life could be worse. For example, Mick could actually make…or answer…a telemarketing call.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the recently published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”