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Want a free 42-inch flat screen Sony TV?

Want all kinds of goodies for evaluating Dunkin' Donuts against Krispy Kremes?

How about a $1,500 Kmart Gift Card? Or, if you're shooting lower, a $500 Target Gift Card? Oh, hold it — here's a $500 gift card at Costco. And why not take pity on those anxious folks who cry in desperation, “We are trying to reach you in order to deliver your complimentary 500 dollar BestBuy giftcard”? (And as long as we're on the subject, how about a consistent spelling of “gift card”?)

Well, if what you're thinking is stinking, how about a free sample of Irish Spring soap?

It's golf season, so how about a free Nike SasQuatch Tour Driver Forged Iron set, whatever that is?

How about a free Sanyo “CameraCorder”?

How about a Palm Treo 700w?

How about a free Old Navy $125 gift card?

How about four Fandango movie tickets, whatever that means?

How about a free pair of Gap jeans, assuming they don't gap the way mine seem to?

Oh, a Gap label is too proletarian for you? Then how about a free Louis Vuitton wallet and bag, $560 retail, and guaranteed not to be one of those knockoffs they sell on Seventh Avenue in New York City?

Yeah, right. How about — it's free (with “participations,” of course) — a bridge connecting Manhattan with Brooklyn?

And here's that benighted marketer whose e-mail says, “We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your free* $250 Visa Card.” Aw, too bad you didn't look at the online address to which you sent that notice, because you also sent me that “We are trying to reach you in order to deliver your complimentary 500 dollar BestBuy giftcard.” Can you have forgotten so soon?

These aren't free, but like Chinese water torture, discount offers for love enhancers pound and pound and pound — I can save on Viagra, Levitra, and that oxymoron, Soft Cialis. Help! It's fallen and can't get it up.

That's one reason I'll just pass on the free $100 portrait from GlamourShots. (The other reason is they won't book a photo session until I give them a credit card number.)

If you're a direct marketer who still is wondering what happened to the potency of the word “free” — which is sorely in need of rhetorical Viagra — you don't check your online solicitations. What happened is that “free” doesn't mean free any longer. “Free” is tied to mice-type, carefully buried, with wording such as: “Receipt of the gift requires compliance with offer terms, including age and residency requirements, registration with a valid email address and completion of user surveys and sponsor promotions.”

Completion of those sponsor promotions invariably means spending more money than you'd have spent to buy whatever it is retail…not that anybody pays retail price these days. And once a target-individual concludes, “There ain't no Santa Claus,” the reaction isn't just to that wretched offer; the word “free” loses a little more cachet, and the next offer, which actually might have something free in it, generates suspicion and a negative reaction even before it gasps for air.

If you've investigated or succumbed to the siren song, you've no doubt plunged into those obfuscatory rhetorical waters. Deep in that word-sea you uncover the deal. The Louis Vuitton bag offer, for example, has this ultimate disclosure:

“To receive the free membership incentive gift you must complete all of the steps outlined herein. Prospective members must: (a) submit their zip code to determine geographic eligibility; (b) register with a valid and deliverable email address; (c) submit accurate contact and demographic information including a mailing address; (d) acquire two advertiser action points from each of PEP's three Offer Groups for a total of six advertiser action points. Action points are earned when a PEP user fully completes an advertiser offer after accessing the offer by clicking on a link provided on the PEP website or from the PEP member area. Attempting to gain action points in any way other than clicking on the advertiser links provided by PEP will result in the cancellation of your PEP membership. Please understand that this means completing two offers from the Top Offers group, two offers from the Prime Offers group, and two offers from the Premium Offers group. (e) you must complete and return an Incentive Redemption form after accumulating the required action points. The form may be downloaded from the member area after you have earned six points. Please understand that failure to supply current and accurate address and demographic information on the redemption form may hinder our ability to deliver the incentive gift to you.”

To get any information, you have to disclose your e-mail address; to get to the promised El Dorado, you have to buy who-knows-what from six vendors. Even if you poop out, the list gets built for rentals to others, and the infection spreads. Great for direct marketing's image, guys.

We're both perpetrators and victims. Oh, yes, a segment of direct marketing always has paralleled a segment of retailing and real estate and insurance and used car dealerships and, yes, government: the giant offer, fully intending to deliver pygmy results.

We're victims, too, because the fallout damages legitimate marketers as surely as smokers' exudations damage nonsmokers sharing the living quarters.

That should give you the idea. I hope you appreciate what I've given up to inspect these fabulous offers and report on them so you don't have to. My e-mail address now is floating around every scam deal on the Web. But enough caterwauling. I'd better go back online to see what wonderful free offers are in store for me today.

See you at the Louis Vuitton store. I'll be the guy wearing those ill-fitting Gap jeans.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. “Burnt Offerings,” his 30th book, explores DR fundraising techniques and will be published later this year. Among his other books are “Open Me Now,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).