A Direct Visit From St. Ridic-o-las

'Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa, nonplused,

Took a look at his marketing, sighed, and then cussed:

“What's with all these strange upstarts? We've so many media

That listing them all fills an encyclopedia.

Who advised those young Turks who so baldly obsess

With the idea of marketing through RSS?

You say blogs have great power? Well, friend, good luck to you,

Because that blogging arrow can shoot holes right through you.

Here's an agency pitching just image and branding,

Well, it might be because their direct ain't outstanding.

They think that depending on image is heaven

'Til their weak bottom line winds up in Chapter 7.

These guys are the same know-nots whose mailings are vile,

Whose creative winds up in the circular file.

Why? The reasons for flatness and failure don't end,

But we know that they always begin with ‘Dear Friend.’

If they switch to print media, it's the same bet.

They're babes in the woods who deserve what they get.

Whoever was quoted that hope is eternal

Forgot that Murdoch owns The Wall Street Journal.

Magazines once so thick, so ad-filled, perfect bound,

Are so shrunken they soon may sink into the ground.

Then there's Time magazine — it's blah from the outset,

Because unlike the old days there's just nothing in it.

And Time's sometime partner…just what in the hell

Has happened to once-mighty king AOL?

Online, will the happy day ever occur

Without an e-mail, ‘Dear Madame or Dear Sir,

You have won the Nigerian or Amsterdam lottery’?

Such detritus as this should be flushed in the pottery

Along with phony drugs I don't want in my palace,

Even though they're fake-labeled Viagra, Cialis,

Levitra…and Hoodia, scam-in-a-plan

Whose name suggests sourcingfrom the Ku Klux Klan.

CBS News has tanked, each eve's ratings have decked.

Can it be because of that dire ‘Couric effect’?

TV's joke, ‘fair and balanced,’ is no treasure trove:

They still mourn the departureof jackal Karl Rove.

Well, the newscasts could beeven worse for our fears:

What if one had, as anchor, robot Britney Spears?

Ah, one ray of hope: From a list company, offers

That might mean a saving of some of our coffers

By renting names we can mail multiple times.

Now how about rates where we're not sucking limes?”

Sigh. Thus sayeth St. Nick. It's no wonder he wailed,

When his e-mails to Donner and Blitzen have failed.

Santa's reindeers' own story is easy to tell:

Kris Kringle's approach doesn't know how to sell.

The response to his message might well have fared better

If text wasn't flush right in a 16-page letter.

And his weak telemarketing might have done fine

If he hadn't used wording from 1909.

E-mail subject lines, replies from Dancer and Cupid,

Say, “You're on our spam list, you red-coated Stupid.

You want us to come leaping out of our stall?

Then don't start your phone pitch, ‘This is not a sales call.’

Gee, with all you have learned, we just can't see how

You expect to get action with worn-out ‘Act now.’”

It would seem with this tumult there's no rhyme or reason

For the good DM folks to enjoy the Yule season.

Ah, but have you forgotten the tough verbal bludgeon

Aimed at those dull Scrooges from your old Curmudgeon?

So let's rescue the season…and all the best to us

From your Curmudgeon-at-Large: Herschell Gordon Lewis!

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com), principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL, consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 30 books are “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).