I Dub Thee - Sir Charge

Does Ripley's “Believe It or Not” comic still exist? I haven't seen it lately, but if it does I have a perfect candidate for inclusion — a quoted airfare that is the actual airfare.

A 21st-century maxim for what used to be regarded as unscrupulous business practices and now is regarded as standard business practice: Everything costs more than it costs. I was about to get an extra pair of tennis shoes from uBid — just $26. Oops…shipping is $24.99. Not so nice try, guys.

And that bastion of discounts, Pep Boys (whatever happened to Manny, Moe & Jack?), has a street scooter at a convincing price. But what's this? Adding a “dealer prep fee” for a scooter? Pass.

Because fuels cost more than they did five years ago, business enterprises from airlines to taxicabs to supermarkets to online sex enhancers add a surcharge. It's easy to see why “free shipping” has such an edge over other sales incentives.

Case in point: Ever hear of Liat, which bills itself as “The Caribbean Airline”? I hadn't. But, as a segment of our annual “My Wife's Birthday Trip” in December, I needed a round trip — St. Maarten to Antigua and back. Liat had a favorable schedule, and the price seemed right, $116 per passenger. Terrific.

Here's where Murphy's Law and Al Capone's Mandate enter the story. Maybe you think, as I did, that $116 times two equals $232. Oh? How naive can we be?

It turns out that $116 times two equals $371.44. There's a “Passenger Facility Charge” of $10. Are you listening, Mr. Capone? You facilitated passengers, didn't you? Then there's an “Airport Development Tax” of $70. What can they develop that costs about a full one-third as much as the tickets?

As they say in the TV commercials…But wait, there's more! An “Airport Authority Tax” is $18.70, an “Airport Passenger Tax” is 74 cents, and a “Fuel & Insurance Surcharge” is $40. Total? $371.44.

If you analyze these extras, you might, as I did (vainly), wonder how and why the airline quotes a price and then tacks on what it calls, without explanation, a “Passenger Facility Charge.” Heck, if I'd known they were charging, I'd have promised to not use their facility.

You might wonder, too, about that big $40 Fuel & Insurance Surcharge, not only because fuel costs less than it did a few months ago but also because a for-profit enterprise usually pays its own insurance bill.

Ah, but what you might not be considering is a loophole in regulations: a fuel surcharge doesn't require government approval. For example, ever hear of ABF Freight System? It's a sort of catchall freight delivery company. The day I looked, ABF's Web site said, rather proudly, “Based upon the current U.S. National Average Diesel Fuel Index, ABF's fuel surcharge is now applicable. The current ABF LTL fuel surcharge is 21.3%.

“The level of the fuel surcharge is adjusted on Wednesday based upon the U.S. National Average Diesel Fuel Index of the prior Monday. This index, published by the Energy Information Administration of the U.S. Department of Energy, is available by telephone at 202-586-6966 and on their Internet site. The fuel surcharge will be shown as a separate entry on our freight bill and will be applied to all line-haul charges, with applicable discounts, but not to special service charges. The fuel surcharge calculation is supported in ABF's Q-Rate personal computer rating application.”

A 21.3% surcharge? Why not? It's a new profit center. FedEx has a two-tier surcharge base — as much as 15% for “Express” when fuel costs more than $2.14 a gallon, 5% for ground fuel when gasoline costs more than $2.94 per gallon…and we know FedEx doesn't pay retail for fuel.

The American Independent Truckers Association reflects the greed and cynicism blanketing business and industry today. Its published philosophy states baldly, with questionable grammar: “If you are brokering your own freight, you are losing money if you are not assessing a fuel surcharge. Everyone else is applying it, why are you giving up your money?”

Anyway, the surcharge issue is academic, because I'm not about to change the Liat booking. If I switch to Delta or American, they probably would tack on a “Flight Delayed Because of Executive Mismanagement” surcharge. US Airways might add a “Fruitless Search for Lost Luggage” surcharge. The total might be even higher than $371.44.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the newly published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-Mail Marketing.”