These Goose Eggs Are Brass, Not Gold

We're in the middle of an epidemic.

The force-communication goose that's supposed to lay golden eggs — e-mail — is laying so many brass eggs that when we see an egg, we don't even bother to check. We assume it's brass. There goes not just the henhouse but the neighborhood.

On the same Black Sunday, here in my e-mail egg basket are all these phony offers:

• Two free Disney theme park admissions. This one tells me, “Sometime ago you signed up at one of our free offer giveaway sites.” Yeah, right. So I've won “an all expense paid trip for two to Disneyl [sic] Orlando.” All I have to do is “update your information at the winner's site and we will promptly ship out your Disney Theme Park tickets.” It's from something called Travel Getaways, Inc. I googled that name and the first entry was from a company selling wheelchairs. Google, you're either behind the times or ahead of them, because I'm still walking.

• An irresistible offer from “Jawad Syed Hamza, Son of Abdul Rahman Hamza a member of (WCPI) Worker-communist Party of Iraq for the Total Independence of IRAQ).” This guy says his father died in 2003, “on our way to Syria because of the misunderstanding our late Ex. President Saddam Hussein a dictator of Iraq from 1979 until 2003, when his regime was overthrown by a United States-led invasion. Who was sentenced to death by hanging on the 30th of December, 2006.” My buddy Jawad says the U.S. Marines found some money — but, typical of action in Iraq, they missed $27 million. So he needs a partner to handle the money until he can come to get it.

• A puny $278 from Paid Marketing Panel. It's clever, in a backhanded way.

  In order to receive a check for $278 from Paid Marketing Panel, it says, “you must: 1) register as a panelist on one of our paid marketing panels; 2) personally return to the Paid Marketing Panel registered user website (www.pmpregisteredusers.com) each and every day for 90 consecutive days, commencing the day after the date the individual registers as a panelist by Paid Marketing Panel (the “Registration Date”); and 3) on each of these days, view as many marketing offers as you like. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO RECEIVE $278. If a panelist fails to return to the Paid Marketing Panel website on any given day after the Registration Date or fails to have a Valid Visit, the panelist will be disqualified from receiving the $278.”

  For all I know, if I viewed offers for 90 consecutive days I'd get $278. But a sidebar turns me off by using my least-favorite online word, submit: “By clicking the ‘Submit Now’ button below, you agree to receive email marketing from Paid Marketing Panel, our partners and affiliates.” Ahhh…yeah, here's the kicker, neatly buried: “In addition, for certain Promotions PaidMarketingPanel^™ may require an additional requirement of referring five (5) unique individuals to PaidMarketingPanel^™ who, in turn, successfully register as panelists with PaidMarketingPanel^™. If PaidMarketingPanel requires such referrals, the requirement will be communicated to you during the Panel registration process. For Panels where such referrals are required, your failure to supply five (5) unique and successful panelists will disqualify you from the Panel.” Sorry, guys, your failure to include the trademark symbol after that last reference to your name is…well, it's a failure.

• A cash grant from the Foundazion de Vittorio. This mixed-spelling foundation says it was “established 1977 by the Multi-Million groups and now supported by the Economic Community for West African States (ECOWAS), United Nations Organization (UNO) and the European Union (EU) was conceived with the objective of human growth, educational, and community development.”

So we laugh and wait for a check in the mail, from anybody. Heck, I'd settle for an online deposit (a deposit of money, not rhetorical defecations such as these). If I controlled every page in this magazine, I could expand the report. But why bother you with that? Instead, all you have to do is check out your own daily supply of brass-egg e-mails. Or send me a check.

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the author of 31 books, including the newly published “Creative Rules for the 21st Century.” He's also written “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “Effective E-Mail Marketing.”