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I don't remember the name of a science-fiction film I saw some years ago, but I remember the plot:

An evil serpent (is there any other kind, in fiction?) was threatening to demolish humankind. The “hero” was able to lock the serpent into a permanent half-world from which the beast never could escape.

Come to think of it, that plot line applies to a whole batch of movies. And I'll tell you where it should apply right now: The World Wide Web.

We always have had phony deals pitched at us, but not with such vicious regularity. The word “free” has become so corrupted it has barnacles on its barnacles. Unlike earlier eras, the Internet Era is totally democratic, crossing all gender, ethnic, age and income borders.

Do you see anything wrong with a blast of e-mails, offering five full-size samples of Folger's Coffee, free? Or, slightly more bizarre, 10 cases of Mountain Dew? I do…because they aren't free. We plow through the offer, led by the nose (and by personal greed). At the nadir of this pit is the requirement that the victim “complete” a specific number of co-sponsor offers.

Properly presented, no more fault could be found with this deal than with a “Buy one, get one free” offer in which prices are raised to compensate for the freebie. But this isn't properly presented. The “Buy one, get one free” offer clearly states what you pay and what you get. This one leads you into the ill-smelling bowels of marketing. (An offer of Carnation Instant Breakfast isn't ill-smelling. I like that stuff. What a shame the wording is so confusing.)

Oh, the Folger's and Mountain Dew examples I described aren't unique. They only happen to be the ones I just deleted, joining hundreds of others. And because every one of us and every man, woman, and child who has online access gets pitched this way, protection is in order. We need an ombudsman.

The DMA can't do it because the DMA doesn't have enough clout with the big search engines. We need a “United Nations” whose Security Council includes AOL, Earthlink, Outlook Express, and any recruits they can enlist. Google and Yahoo! don't qualify because they're on a different information plateau, and Internet Explorer wouldn't join until its moguls see profits on the horizon; but if only AOL, Earthlink, and Outlook combined to hire an ombudsman…whose simple but cosmic job is to certify with a heavily advertised icon or logo the strings attached to an offer…the effect could be what the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval was two generations ago.

So when an e-mail such as “Your Invited To The Oprah Winfrey Show for FREE!” shows up, heavy publicity surrounding the appointment of an ombudsman would spur the recipient to make two quick moves:

First move is to ask the ombudsman if this is legitimate. (We in this business know what the mice type says: “To claim your reward you must participate in our program and meet all of the offer eligibility requirements as outlined in the Terms & Conditions before you can receive your FREE reward. Eligibility requirements include signing up for at least 3 Silver, 6 Gold and 3 Platinum offers. Available offers will vary and some offers may require a purchase to qualify.”)

Second, to reject the offer, and any offer, by a marketer that doesn't know the difference between “Your” and “You're.”

Don't interpret this suggestion as a blanket indictment of Web marketing, which many of us believe holds the future to a USPS-free society. Offers such as “Save up to 60% on your medical premiums” aren't parallel to “Free Disney Vacation Free of Charge” (a doubled free!), one of those that demands a huge batch of personal information without reciprocating.

The idea isn't to stifle effective marketing. It's to implement effective legitimate marketing so Web offers don't wind up the way 900-prefix phone numbers did.

Should I be flattered that one of these equivocal offers is a $500 gift card to Victoria's Secret? If Victoria's Secret has anything in my size, the “Secret” explodes into an unrecognizable blob.

Oh, it says, “Fulfillment may be delayed based on availability.” That homily also applies to the use of Viagra.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com), principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL, consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 30 books are “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).