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I'm looking at a mailing from a company that sells vitamins and supplements.

The key copy: “Scientifically formulated for all your nutrition needs.”

Ugh.

If you think back to English literature you studied in high school, you may recall Jonathan Swift's satire, “A Modest Proposal.” I have a totally immodest proposal, not as gory as Swift's but infinitely more valuable to any direct marketer: For the rest of your life, plus six months, don't use “needs” as a noun in selling copy.

Some sort of nasty infestation is at hand. The yellow pages are loaded with blah-type ads such as, “For all your insurance needs.” Yeah, but those are yellow pages and we're supposed to be astute, alert, dynamic marketers. What, exactly, are your insurance needs? And, for that matter, your nutritional needs? Your wardrobe needs? Your bathroom needs? Whatever they are, using “needs” as a key selling word is like marching in place while wearing galoshes.

Oops! Here's a catalog. The instant detritus isn't on the cover, but on the inside cover is “We're ready, willing, and able to serve all your office supply needs.” That line isn't buried. It begins what poses as a corporate pitch.

Emergence of the World Wide Web as the dominant marketing medium has aimed a new bright light of fresh validity on a venerable — and, to effective marketers, sacred — principle: Specifics outsell generalizations. Effective at-a-distance selling had darned well better mirror effective head-to-head selling: Specifics outsell generalizations. Once again, so you'll know it's not a typo: Specifics outsell generalizations.

Want to go nuts with this? Google the phrase “For all your needs,” leaving out the key “whatever” word.

You'll get between 850,000 and 900,000 needs, ranging from “For all your stationery needs” to the cosmic promise, “Major MP3 RoundUp: FREE Solutions For All Your Needs.”

Practitioners in every field of commerce infest the “needs” pit. You'll find, without looking very hard, floral decorations for all your needs…professional photographers for all your needs…marketing communication solutions for all your needs and graphic designs for all your needs (these folks need new copy; I don't know about their graphic designs)…furniture for all your needs…and how about this one, pipette tips for all your needs, combining the ultimate specific with the ultimate non-specific.

In for a penny, in for a pound, even if some of our needs are either licentious, viciously illegal, or just stupid. You've noted, of course, that these folks aren't just fulfilling a need; they're covering all your needs: all your floral needs, all your gardening needs, all your household needs, all your computer and calculator needs. One marketer boasts, “F&L is here for all your needs.” What a letdown: Close inspection shows they're limiting themselves to lawn care, which to the slathering hopeful is at the far end of all his or her needs.

The giants also stumble. Wal-Mart promises, “Wal-Mart — One Stop Shop for All Your Needs, Including Healthcare.” So the retail/e-tail giant combines the initial caps cliché with the “needs” cliché. (What we need, Wal-Mart, is relief from “needs.” Can you help us there, to preserve our mental health needs?)

My favorite, of all the needs floating and sinking in the linguistic swamp, is “Doktor Snake's Voodoo Spellbook: Spells, curses, and folk magic for all your needs.” What's up, Dok? Well, here are some of the everyday needs covered in this volume, which should adorn every needy bookshelf: bring back a lost lover; keep enemies at bay; attract fame and fortune; see into the future; avert the evil eye. Even Wal-Mart can't match handling those needs.

What's an even less-specific noun than “needs”? Well, maybe “things.” After all, Shakespeare wasn't criticized (until now) for “The play's the thing” in “Hamlet.” The poet W.B. Yeats anticipated the words you're reading now with “Things fall apart.” And I always can fall back on my favorite (and just about only) Latin quotation, the one I use when arguing with a lawyer-acquaintance: Res ipsa loquitur, “The thing speaks for itself.”

Doesn't it now? And doesn't the whole concept reflect the “I give up” T.S. Eliot line from “The Hollow Men”: This is the way the world ends…Not with a bang but a whimper.

T.S., that's no b.s. We needed that.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com), principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL, consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 30 books are “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).