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All right, kids, which is more insulting — “You're a failure” or “You're going to improve”?

Right. Both. That is, both if you've been getting the assortment of “Be a man again” e-mails that suddenly have poured into my various online addresses. (Ladies, I apologize for excluding you. You have your own problems, or so I assume.)

Or are these insulting? Who, after all, regards a challenge as an insult? The psychological advantage bequeathed to the recipient of any online message is the power of the mouse: Click. You're outta here.

What lengths (accidentally chosen word) marketers go to! What have I done — or, in their opinions, not done — to warrant either scorn or sympathy because they assume, without evidence (I hope), my vigor is flagging?

Subject lines run from the outright insulting to “You poor puppy-dog” to the bizarre. Some examples:

• “There is no need to parade your problems.” (What the $#@% do you think you're doing? Anyway, I love a parade.)

• “Wonder your lady by your super sexual power using Generic Viagra and Cialis Soft Tabs medications!” (My wonder is at your grammar.)

• “It can make you a legend in her own mind.” (A legend is an ancient work of fiction.)

• “Re: circumjacen hi” (Sorry, I don't speak Navajo.)

• “She will never be able to forget this night.” (That also was true of Marie Antoinette.)

• “Free overnight shipping 10 tablets for $99. Discreet.” (Discretion and bargain don't seem to live on the same block, and anyway, if I don't get these until tomorrow, what's going to happen tonight?)

• “Cheapest Cialis and Viagra from Canadian pharmacy.” (Ah, you're singing my song. I hope it isn't an ‘a cappella’ melody.)

• “You surely like being in your 20s again and also wish if you had tried it.” (Now, wait a minute. Any girl in her 20s would be interested in what's in my pocket, not what's in my pants.)

• “Cheapest Cialis and Viagra from Canadian pharmacy. We do guarantee high-quality medications, instant delivery.” (I these pills corrected instant delivery.)

• “WARNING: Beware of websites that claim to sell Viagra, Cialis or Levitra AT COST. Chances are these are dangerous fake medications smuggled in from overseas!” (I know about those people who smuggle something in and then brag about it. They're called Al Quaeda. Let 'em go limp.)

• “Cialis Soft tabs $5.78 — 100 20mg, $577.50” (By the time I use 100, I'll be 100, so saving 50 cents won't mean all that much.)

• “Get yours now. Prices are stiffening.” (Just prices?)

• “Land a woman, above average Naturally logjam.” (The landed cost always seems to involve an argument with customs.)

When Viagra first hit the market — remember ex-Sen. Bob Dole as the product's unlikely spokesman? — could any of us have anticipated that by the year 2007, marketing this joy-pill would resemble an Arabian bazaar?

What Bob Dole and his sequels accomplished was to make the unacceptable acceptable. That's a formidable job, and on a strictly sociological level we should congratulate the advertising and PR agencies that tore the veil of secrecy from Viagra, opening the floodgates for just about any other “personal” products.

Many, whose generational gap still makes recognition of the delicate usefulness of such a tiny mouthful an embarrassment, might quote the line from Shakespeare's “Hamlet” — “For this relief, much thanks.” (Others, less fortunate, have another line from “Hamlet” — “Soft you, now. The fair Ophelia!) I prefer the solid line from Othello: “As the light dies, she dies” — in the carnal sense, of course.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com), principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL, consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 30 books are “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).