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We in direct marketing don't have to worry much about the dumbing-down of advertising and marketing messages. After all, we're in the thick of it.

But what the heck, some of the slogans and catch-lines we're seeing and hearing must have been “created” by an idiotic cousin of that troglodytic character on the insurance commercials…whose own welcome has burned out, as all unreplenished novelty does, even before some camp-following producer decided to use the one-trick-pony character in a comedy show.

In the Internet era of foreshortened attention spans, we deserve the logical expectation that marketers are as aware as we are of the obvious: Nonrelevant hit-and-run slogans and taglines do nothing whatever to get the mouse aimed at checkout or the finger dialing a toll-free number. Nope. Logic and salesmanship vanish from the “creative mix” when self-absorbed cleverness supplants connection with potential responders.

What initiated this diatribe is Radio Shack's slogan. Know what it is? “Do stuff.” Did somebody get paid for that? I'm willing to do stuff, especially if I have some Charmin to squeeze while I do it.

Here's a cell phone called Jitterbug. It has such antediluvian features as “Familiar dial tone confirms service” and “Push ‘Yes’ to call directly from personal phone list.” The tagline: “for Boomers and Beyond^™.” Beyond what, Jit? I guess you mean this phone is beyond the dialing capability of those who don't know what lies in The Great Beyond, where cell phones have had those features for 10 years or more.

Citibank's tagline: “let's get it done.” Lowercase, of course, which is the brain food of whoever decided such a line got something done. Here's what probably happened: At a creative session, frustrated by the lack of a useful idea, somebody said in exasperation, “Let's get it done.” Somebody else at the head of the table, relieved that hours of dull pondering had at least birthed a coherent statement, said: “Brilliant! Yes! I'm glad I thought of that.” Then, when the non-slogan was turned over to the production people, somebody there said: “We'll make this more contemporary by not capitalizing the first word.” The head of the production team then said, Brilliant! Yes! I'm glad I thought of that.” (Or, reflecting the grammatical capacity of too many graphic personnel, “brilliant. yes. i'm glad i thought of that.”)

Nissan continues its tradition of representing The Mysterious East with “SHIFT_convention.” Now come on, Nissan. You know the CIA isn't smart enough to decode that. A logical question: Assuming a bunch of advertising agency people and Nissan MBAs sat around a conference table, analyzing weeks of creative work on a slogan, is that the best they could exhume from the detritus? Doesn't anybody — anybody — in the creative ghetto ask, “Will prospective car buyers understand it? Will this have any motivational appeal at all?” The questions are self-answering.

A strange campaign by Philips, suggesting twice-a-day toothbrushing to prevent periodontal disease, carries the tagline, “sense and simplicity.” Well, yeah, I guess so. Uhhh…in your next ad, will you explain that?

Sony seems to be punctuationally challenged. The signature: “like.no.other”…with periods everywhere except at the end. I. don't. get. it.

Continental Airlines is still using “Work hard. Fly right.” That one's hard to criticize now, because the airline has reinstituted a service that recalls the bygone days of Pan Am: It's offering complimentary helicopter service from Manhattan to Newark Airport. Right on! That's actual customer service, unusual among today's airlines. (Let's see how long it lasts.)

Zappos.com, one of the most astute and professional contemporary marketers, has this one: “Powered by service^™.” That's a solid “Huh?” and the only fly I know of in this shoe seller's ointment.

Oops! In one instance the dumbing was on me. I saw a Dolce & Gabbana ad with what I thought was a ridiculous tagline: “Open now to experience.” I made the mistake of fingering the ad. “Open now” was an instruction on a hidden flap. I experienced it, all right…until I could find soap and towel. Fortunately, I was somewhat wiser when I reached a parallel ad for Revlon's Flair (whatever that is): “Live life with Flair.” OK. You got a deal.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com), principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL, consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 30 books are “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).