Wild Kingdom

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE CLAMOR FOR ATTENTION gets more and more strident?

Right! Promises, claims, approvals and assurances get wilder and wilder.

Just as offers of 20% of a Nigerian expatriate's $35 million stash in a bank somewhere have been joined by confirmation that we've won the lottery in Canada or Amsterdam or Sierra Leone or someplace, so have “You've been approved” semi-offers been joined by “You've been approved” pseudo-offers.

Here on the screen is a flat, unequivocal positioning statement: “Congrats, [NAME], you've been approved for a $7500 Line from USA Platinum Plus Card! Finalize your Instant Online Approval!” Well, why not? After all, approval means not having to apply, doesn't it? And it has to be legitimate, doesn't it, because it's signed by “Sandra Davenson, Credit Authorization Department.” Wow, that's from a senior executive, isn't it?

In pre-Internet days, pre-approved usually meant pre-approved. Now it means “We'll do whatever works to get you into the store so we can milk your name.”

Hey, what's this? Click and we see “Apply now.” And here's a strange subhead, “Unsecured Platinum Credit Line for all kinds of OUR merchandise.” Huh? You mean the card is good only for your merchandise? Hmmm. Yes, in fact it's even farther out than that. Click on “Terms and conditions” and we see “The cost of membership in the USA Credit Plan is $149.95” and “Only Member Advantage items may be charged on the USA Credit Shopping Card.” Monthly payments of $19.95, after a 30-day grace period, are direct deductions from an existing bank account.

See what I mean?

I picked this one because it was on my screen at that moment. But had it been a little earlier or a little later, before deleting I might have selected a competing come-on that shows me how to get a U.S. government grant. (I know how: Bribe a member of Congress.)

The infection spreads to retailing. Mark Lilien reports a Macy's ad in The New York Times which claimed discounts on apparel and accessories…then, in mice-type, added what has become commonplace in department store retailing (I'll quote only the first 2,000 exceptions): “Excludes DEPARTMENTS: The Home Store, cosmetics, fragrances, junior denim, Impulse, bridge sportswear, cashmere, bridge/designer shoes & handbags, designer lingerie/designer sleepwear, small electrics, personal care electrics, technology, furniture, mattresses, rugs. DESIGNERS: Textiles, Ralph Lauren/Polo/Lauren, Tommy H/Hilfiger, Tommy Bahama, Michael Kors, Dooney & Burke, Coach, DKNY, Kate Spade, Vera Wang, Calvin Klein: and Diesel, Buffalo, Perry Ellis, Joseph Abboud, Hugo Boss, Hart Schaffner & Marx, Kenneth Cole, Guess, Nautica, and Claiborne for men/kids. COLLECTIONS: INC, Tasso Elba, American Rag, jewelry, watches, Waterford Crystal/Bedding, Lladro, All Clad, Louis Vuitton, Henckels, Frango; and reg. price china, silver & crystal.” (Uhhh … isn't that Dooney & Bourke?)

On into the jungle. Here's a “FREE Sony Laptop Computer for you!” Click: “New Members Wanted. Membership Is FREE*.” Even without the initial caps, that asterisk tells me this is one of those non-deals. Yep. Track down the asterisk and: “To receive the free incentive gift you must: 1) register with valid information; 2) complete the user survey; 3) complete 9 sponsor offers; and 4) refer 3 unique households that also complete these requirements. Please read participation requirements for details. Upon completion of all requirements, we will ship the incentive gift to you with free shipping.”

So I not only have to “complete 9 sponsor offers”; I have to refer three others who also complete 9 sponsor offers. That's 36 offers. “Terms and conditions” don't tell me what any of the offers are, but they do tell me I can use the Discover Card only once and have to use other cards for the rest.

How many visitors, salivating at the thought of a new Sony laptop, will penetrate into the text deeply enough to encounter this “Ja, mein Fuehrer” order? “For paid retail offers, you must accept the product or service and pay in full. The sponsor may require additional terms and conditions to participate in their marketing offers. Users of i-DealRewards.com should read the terms of each offer before completing the sign-up process:

“Sponsors report to us that you completed their offer. This will generally take up to 4 weeks, depending on the sponsor. We will not respond to inquiries regarding offer status until 30 days after you have attempted to complete an offer.”

The most insidious transgression I've seen lately is the one worded, “Ben & Jerry's or Haagen-Dazs? Tell Us Which One You Prefer And Get $100 of Ice Cream! Take our Nationwide Ice Cream Survey today! Receive a FREE* $100 Restaurant Gift Card of your choice or $100 worth of Ben & Jerry's or Haagen-Dazs ice cream for participating!”

Uh-huh. Same deal. Deep in the “Terms and conditions” labyrinth is the expected: “You must complete offers from our advertisers precisely as set forth on the site in order to receive a gift.” And the credibility of all online marketers suffers a little more.

With all the useless and unenforceable legislation tying the hands of legitimate direct marketers, why can't some enterprising legislator (those two words constitute an oxymoron) simply jam through a bill forbidding asterisks in selling copy? It would protect the public from questionable offers and protect us from our baser instincts.

I have only this page to grumble, nitpick and carp, but you and I both know if Direct gave me eight or 16 pages I could fill them with similar pseudo-offers.

It's depressing that the world of direct response is such a heavy contributor to the burgeoning Age of Skepticism. It's even more depressing that those targets who aren't yet skeptical are about to be welcomed into that sadder but wiser assemblage of skeptics who don't trust us, not because of our transgressions but because of others who have seized our banner and are waving it…wildly.

---

HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com) is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL. He consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. His 29th book, “Open Me Now,” has just been published. Another recent title is his new personal favorite, the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising.” Among his other books are “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition), “Marketing Mayhem” and “Effective E-mail Marketing.”