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Some years ago I was in the audience listening to a speaker who combined two rare traits: transmitting actually useful information, and entertaining as he went along.

“All right,” he said midway through his presentation. “Here's a word I want you to eliminate from your dictionary. You'll be better at everything you do in the world of advertising and marketing.” He paused momentarily.

“That word,” he then continued, “is…Wyoming.” A few of us looked puzzled until he chuckled and said, “If you made a note of that, you're in the wrong business. I just wanted to see if you've been listening.”

What reminds me of that ancient episode (Wyoming is still there, and I have no idea what happened to the speaker) is a decision I've made, one I recommend to others in what we arrogantly call our “profession.” I'm proposing that we eliminate this word from our marketing lexicon:

Available.

Ha! Bet you thought I was going to damn “Certain restrictions apply.” Nope. Those are three words, and as accursed as they are, they aren't today's single-word target. Even though the venerable “Not available in stores” has survived for at least fourscore and twenty years — I'm writing this on the same day I see it in an ad for Hoodia Pro — I've come to detest that word almost as viciously as I loathe asterisks. The two often travel in packs. I'll tell you why.

Invariably, marketers use “available” as a cop-out. Example: Chrysler's ad for its Aspen says, “With a 335-hp HEMI^® V8 engine*, six-disc CD changer*… .” For its Pacifica, “…a new 4.0 liter 253-horsepower engine* in addition to the new in-dash ParkView^™ Rear Back-Up Camera*, a segment exclusive.”

Parenthetically, I wonder who gave these models their wimpish names, and I wonder what “a segment exclusive” means, since my Escalade has a rear back-up video camera. But we're talking about another matter, and there it is: “*Available.”

Mercury says, describing its Mariner: “…with Intelligent 4WD**… .”

Yeah, right. As expected: Chrysler's single-asterisked “*Available” is trumped by Mercury's double-asterisked “**Available features.” Hmmm, since that's the only double asterisk, does it mean each wheel is a separate feature?

Sprint's ad for its Palm Treo^™ phone adds this in mice-type: “…coverage not available everywhere…offer available at participating Sprint or Nextel store locations. Not available in all markets or retail locations… .”

(Maybe we should add “participating” to our word-proscription list.)

The “new AT&T” also has caught the infection. Here's a newspaper ad stating, “BellSouth, along with Cingular, is joining the new AT&T to make bundling your business communication easier than ever.” Right. Mice-type qualifies the ease: “Advertised services not available in all areas.” That isn't remotely as tolerable as “Not available in stores” because it suggests the media department doesn't have a clue where the “new AT&T” supersedes the “old AT&T.”

The epidemic has seized Nextel in its grip (grippe?): Offers may not be available in all markets or retail locations.”

An obbligato theme appears in an ad offering a “6.25% APY* CD: “Yield and deposit amount subject to availability.” And the asterisk gives us a yuck-yuck: “*Promotional incentive may be included to obtain yield.”

Yawn. Here's Macy's, with 40% off on Bali bras. (Yeah, yeah, I know the word-play on a bra with 40% off. There's still ample coverage.) Macy's has become such an octopus that the disclaimer doesn't surprise us: “Advertised items may not be available at your local Macy's.” If it makes you feel a little less prurient, or come to think of it a little more so, the same wording accompanies a Macy's ad for Liz Claiborne shoes. Aah, they're just low-heels.

An e-mail offer of $250,000 life insurance greets me by name, suggests I'm paying too much, and eventually says, “Policies and riders not available in all states.” So what? Neither am I.

I assume you get the idea. So when you come across your own cache of “available” cop-outs, just nod knowingly. Don't send them to me. As I said, I'm not available.

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HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS (www.herschellgordonlewis.com), principal of Lewis Enterprises in Fort Lauderdale, FL, consults with and writes direct response copy for clients worldwide. Among his 30 books are “Hot Appeals or Burnt Offerings,” the curmudgeonly titled “Asinine Advertising,” and “On the Art of Writing Copy” (third edition).