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Didn't think it was possible, did you, that some people out there could actually want to see more catalogs in their mailboxes? Sure, they're already loaded to the gills — but some very important categories are missing.

Such as…

Where is the catalog devoted to metal caretakers/companions? Growing up, hardly a sci-fi movie went by without showing the creature that would take all burdens from our backs. Sizes, varieties, attitudes ran the gamut (think C-3PO and R2-D2) but they were there, ready to serve. Where are they now?

What we need is a catalog of robots, clothes to dress them in, oodles of lotions and solutions to tend to them, and “robot housing” to protect them. Training manuals to further their education, books on socializing robots, and robot-friendly vehicles for their transportation.

For starters, think pets — only not the furry kind (necessarily), and powered by battery or its equivalent. But then get way beyond that, as many catalogs already offer robot pets — to my mind, a much too meager selection. We're talking a catalog of nothing but life-size robots and their accouterments (female and male replicas, models that provide entertainment, teaching, nursing, butlering, and so on). Neiman Marcus has the right idea with its $400,000 his-and-her versions billed as the “most advanced adult-size interactive remote-controlled robots out there.” Now if we can just work on that price…

When I read about the lady who paints coffins for a living, I knew we were missing the boat on another catalog opportunity. According to Financial Times, “funerals are becoming more celebratory.” Think New Orleans jazz bands in the street, Irish wakes and more.

Not only can you have a custom-painted casket, but hearses needn't be in black and you can have your remains turned into a wearable diamond worn, naturally, by someone other than the deceased. Pop off into orbit courtesy of a company called Celesis or get frozen by another venture named Life Extension. (The process does require the lopping off of your head, but by then, who cares?) Only the less-than-creative don't see a catalog in the making here.

We're talking a catalog of both services and products, the latter of which are mostly drop shipped, so there'd be minimal inventory concerns. Plus, recipients of the products and services are not around to find fault. Granted, this idea may have some limitations when it comes to lifetime value equations, but the tell-a-friends should do extremely well. And think of the cash flow! All items are tidily reserved before the event itself. It could be years before you actually need to ship that prepaid custom casket.

Everywhere you listen it's “goddess this” and “goddess that,” but nowhere does anyone actually help the self-actualizing goddess find what she needs. OK, Gaiam (what is it with that name — dare you to try to spell it without peeking) has some goddess stuff, like a goddess aromatherapy diffuser. However, it's really telling when you see that it no longer carries the goddess knowledge cards. Femail Creations has some cute stuff, like a ruby slippers doorstop and a wooden clock emblazoned with the word “Witch” (nowhere near the same as a goddess in my book). But when even the noted columnist Kathleen Parker cries out for help in finding her true goddess, you know we catalogers are not doing our job.

What does a goddess really need? Well, a throne would probably be a good start, and one that fits in nicely with the Early American furniture from Ethan Allen that seems to be in way too many homes. We also need rituals that get results (like the death or disgracing of a less-than-grateful ex-boyfriend) in 60 seconds or less. Tarot cards that help with winning Lotto, alcoholic recipes that turn you into an instant sex goddess, goddess garments that, the second they float over your head, take off 20 pounds — you get the picture. Enough with the T-shirts displaying goddess sayings. We need the real thing here. We don't just want to talk it. We want to live it!

OK — everybody wants only the latest, so we need a catalog that features items one time only (a slim monthly issue, 12 times per year). This message is simple and to the point: You have one chance, and one chance only, to buy the items in this catalog. Hot, hot, hot offerings — absolutely no pickups. Think of the merchandise selection of an antidote for Talbots and Bean never-die fashion.

Items in this book are so “in,” they're already on their way out and will be on sale racks within months anyway. So why not make a point that this is your one-time opportunity to own these things while they're still the things to own? They're all sourced goodies; no time for that “manufacturing your own stuff” business. Just show it, explain how everybody famous and fabulous wants it — and then kill it. Those customers and prospects who missed out the first time won't the second time.

One Chance Only will be associated with an entirely Web-based business that goes by a different name and dumps the leftovers. And, due to the total impossibility of guessing inventory needs correctly on a one-time item, there'll be plenty of stock for the Web site.

Now it's possible that among the approximately 40 to 50 catalogs I'm receiving each week, I've overlooked catalogs that may very well address some of these specialized categories. Maybe if I can work my way through all the Bloomingdale's books (do they really think I need several a week?) and other clones, I'll unearth a really original idea.

I sure hope so.

KATIE MULDOON is president of DM/catalog consulting firm Muldoon & Baer Inc., Tequesta, FL.