[Re: Loose Cannon: Tidings of the Post-Holiday Season, Direct Newsline, Jan. 2, 2008]:

Some years ago, in a former existence, I was up-moted to the position of buyer for a large department store. To give you some idea of how well I did in the post, the store is now bankrupt ... gone ... how do you spell pffffht?

But I managed to cut the merchandise return rate to a teenie percentage of the rate suffered by previous buyers.

I can see you getting all-a-perky in anticipation of the solution that I applied. That marvelous merchant Lillian Vernon knows about it.

You personalize every bit of merchandise you can. My salespeople had to memorize the phrase, "What initials would you like on it?" never ask IF the customer would LIKE initials, ask WHAT initials.

We had diamond tipped engraving machines in case the gift was a shovel. However, there was no gift wrap for ladders.

Joe McTaggart
Self-Described Headhunter
San Jose, CA

Pee Yess ... Your idea about square roots is quite good, but here in Silicon Valley everybody has a pocket electronic adding, subtracting and square-rooting device. There's a strong appeal to Suck-A-Duck-O puzzles, if they fill 'em out in ink.

Pee Pee Yess ... In grade school, I also won a spelling bee by knowing how to spell supersede. But it would not be polite to tell you about it, so I won't.