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Here's a riddle: What do children's fears of being eaten by bears, a survey of unfaithful wives and “socially disruptive snoring” have in common (aside from having nothing to do with direct marketing)? Answer: They're all subjects of press releases sent to Direct magazine.

Now, writers and editors love being spammed as much as other consumers. And we adore even more arguing about why certain pitches, despite the fact they contain the word “marketing,” aren't appropriate for Direct. (“No, that's a sales staff issue, not a direct marketing issue; no, that's brand marketing, not direct response; no, that's a scam.”)

But what to make of the following press-release wisdom, taken from a pitch I received in May from a zoo-and-aquarium booster organization? “Don't use this fear [of being eaten by animals] to correct other areas of bad behavior. An example would be telling your child, ‘If you do not do what I told you, I will call a bear to come out of the woods and tell him to eat you.’”

If direct marketers thought they could scare up an extra sale or two by threatening a mauling-by-bear, there wouldn't be an unraided wildlife preserve between Maine and Mexico. (“In the fifth such incident this week, two more list brokers were apprehended attempting to kidnap a grizzly. In response, Yellowstone National Park has barred direct marketers from setting foot inside its limits…”)

Another inquiry, from a sleep clinic, asked whether I've “covered socially disruptive snoring and how it can ruin the vacation experience,” such as when sharing a yacht cabin with such a sleeper. Well, no. During the 11-plus years I've been a direct marketing reporter, the number of times I've bunked onboard a yacht — with or without a snorer — is roughly equal to the number of times I've been attacked by bears.

My favorite pitch touted a book on women's desires for extramarital affairs. Freud would have told the “clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst” who wrote it to stop sublimating her own desires, spare the acres of trees she pulped for her book, and simply go out and have an affair.

In turn, this would have avoided my challenging the PR woman who contacted me to provide an angle linking women's infidelity to direct marketing. The rep — bless her soul — acknowledged she couldn't, but added, “Of course, if you can come up with one, I'd be impressed and intrigued…”

Impressed and intrigued, hmm? I wonder if she's married, snores or is afraid of bears?

To respond to this column, please contact richard.levey@penton.com

For more of Richard H. Levey's Loose Cannon columns, visit http://directmag.com/opinions-columnists/loosecannon/index.html.