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When I showed this Kyocera ad to another person, the reaction I got was “Looks fine to me.”

And indeed it is moderately acceptable by the standard of yesterday's conventional brand advertising.

But as we look at it more closely and think about it more carefully, we begin to see ways it could be improved.

“Kyocera could save you hundreds, even thousands, every year.”

Save on what? Kyocera makes printers, cell phones and mobile routers. Even kitchenware. Exactly what is being sold here? If prospective buyers don't see at a glance that you're selling something they're interested in buying, they might flip on past.

The illustration does show a couple of printers, sort of. But they're mostly covered by the guy and gal photos and are not instantly recognizable as printers. But then a clue is provided for the sharp-eyed reader. Two captions identify them as a “Typical Business Printer” and a “Kyocera Printer.”

The headline lacks a word such as “How,” “Why,” “This,” “New” or “Now” to point to the rest of the ad and motivate reading. A headline that's a flat, general statement is passive. It doesn't lead anywhere.

“When are you going to make your move?” Still no clue to the ad's message except for the inconspicuous reference to printers below the pictures. Make your move to what? And why should I bother to read the tiny type in the too-small, too-wide block of copy that follows?

OK, it could be argued that “Typical Business Printer” vs. “Kyocera Printer” plus “When are you going to make your move?” does explain the picture and complete the statement. But it's not immediately obvious.

Who is the ad addressing? Who does “you” refer to? A reader who has a home office complete with computer, scanner and printer/copier? It may seem like it. But no, such a person could not save “hundreds, even thousands” by buying a Kyocera printer. That probably would require a quantity purchase of maybe a dozen printers that a business or institution might need.

So the target is an owner, manager, CFO or IT expert of a business or institution. Thus the headline may attract the wrong prospects while failing to pull in the right ones.

The photos and the subhead are sort of a cartoon and caption. The cute girl is beckoning to the cute guy to come over to Kyocera's side. The cute guy is leaning the other way and resisting, enjoying the game: “When are you going to make your move” to her side? Get it?

In my opinion, this visual metaphor is too frivolous and bland for promoting a substantial business investment. The “you” identifies the couple as prospects, but they don't seem like typical prospects.

Overall, though, the ad's serious weakness is that it doesn't take advantage of its most important selling point: Kyocera's unique online interactive feature, TCO Tracker, automatically calculates and compares the total cost of operation of any make or model printer you select (including Kyocera's, of course).

The headline promising to “save you hundreds, even thousands, every year” is just an empty claim. But prospects who are persuaded by the ad to go online and try the TCO Tracker will almost certainly end up being powerfully convinced of the economic superiority of Kyocera printers. Therefore it seemed to me the subject of the ad should not be Kyocera's promise of savings, but rather the way it allows you to prove it to yourself online.

This is an example of where today's print advertising is or should be. In most brand or service ads, the three cardinal principles are identification of the prospect and product, involvement, and interaction. I've pointed out examples of these guidelines in previous columns, most recently in my April piece on La-Z-Boy Furniture Galleries.

In planning this Kyocera makeover, I wanted to:

• Target the audience — a business, not an individual consumer. And I decided to “start where the reader is” by presenting a common problem experienced by prospects in a way they could identify with — in this case the bewildering number of different make and model printers to choose from and the difficulty of selecting from among them.

  (Recently I came across an outstanding example of starting where the reader is. It was a Charles Schwab ad headed, “I Need a New Account. I Just Don't Need the Hassle of Opening One.” This was followed by a display of the benefits and Web address of Schwab's “new client concierge” service.)

• Allow readers to see for themselves how much money Kyocera printers can save a business in the long run by using the TCO Tracker.

• Urge readers to take the next step — logging on and letting the TCO Tracker automatically calculate the annual operating success of any given printer.

To begin, I trashed the cutesy illustration and made better use of that space. As for starting where the reader is, my headline shows and tells about a relevant business problem — which of the dozens of available printers should your company select? I specifically displayed and named a number of them, mindful of Ring Lardner's advice to young writers: “Don't just say ‘The old lady growled.’ Bring her in and let her growl.” It targets and identifies the audience as owners or managers of a large business office.

My subhead presents the answer to the headline's question: Now you can use the TCO Tracker to decide on a printer that will save you the most in total operating cost.

When it came to supplying amplification in the form of body copy, I found that once again the copywriter had done a good job. And so I was able to use almost all of the original copy. Why the whole ad isn't as good as the copy is none of my business. My guess is it's because of the common practice of giving the ad-making assignment to a copywriter/art director team. (By the way, how come those designers get to be called “directors” and us mere copywriters don't?)

Let's say the art director proposed a visual idea: “Hey, how about an attractive young guy and gal in a tug of war between the choice of a typical business printer and a Kyocera?”

Together they agreed on a headline claim. Then the copywriter sat down and composed some good copy, which had to be squeezed into the rectangular block the art director decided was an appropriate element in the layout.

How do you feel about this, readers? Does my guess correspond to any past experience you may have had or observed? And don't you think my approach of emphasizing results-oriented communication with properly targeted prospects over design — while, of course, not neglecting it — would produce far more responses and sales?

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THOMAS L. COLLINS (thomas.l.collins@verizon.net) has been a direct marketing copywriter, ad maker, agency creative director and co-author of four books on marketing. He is currently an independent creative and marketing consultant based in Portland, OR.

Find more Makeover Maven columns at http://directmag.com/opinions-columnists/makeovermaven/.