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OUR CURRENT DIY project is redoing the guest room for our 3-year-old son Jacob, so his baby brother Danny can take over the nursery.

My first thought was to go to PotteryBarnKids.com and check out all the nifty coordinated bedding and room accessories. But right on the home page I quickly realized a huge problem: These things aren't for real children.

Have you ever met a real child? None are as perfect-looking as the tykes pictured, for starters. Add a few smudges of dirt, jelly (or ketchup, or better yet, both) and a soupçon of boogers, and then we're getting a bit closer to life on Planet Toddler.

The room motifs look terrific, but let's face it: No kid wants all airplanes, bugs or robots, unless they've been diagnosed with early OCD. Real kids mix it up. The superheroes ride the dinosaurs as the storm troopers march with Mr. Potato Head and Elmo to the beat of the Wiggles. Show me the matchy-matchy room with the action figures strewn all over the floor and then I'll be able to think about what it would actually look like in my home.

What Pottery Barn Kids is really selling is the illusion that children live in neat, orderly worlds where they eat things other than chicken nuggets and don't demand to watch Cartoon Network 24/7. This gingham universe sure looks like a lovely place, but I've never been there.

A Google search for children's bedding takes me to the Land of Nod site. Again, things look a little too tidy. As I write this on opening day for the Boston Red Sox, the home page appropriately features the baseball-themed “Field of Dreams” set. Real catcher's mitts and baseballs are shown on the nightstand. But the sports gear is squeaky-clean and spotless, like a real child has never played with it. Apparently, this is a great set if you want your child to have the thrill of the game without the chance of ever getting sweaty or winded, because that's just so distasteful.

Likewise in the girls' bedding area, the “Best in Show” horse themed set shows a never-used bridle on the bedpost. Of course, maybe that makes more sense, since even the gamest young equestrian wouldn't want her boudoir to smell like a pony.

Next I pop over to the Warm Biscuit Bedding Co.'s site. Again, all the room setups are immaculate. They're so immaculate they look like bedrooms designed by grandma to entice the kids to sleep over, rather than rooms arranged by moms and dads who (hopefully) know their children.

I don't say any of this to be mean. Maybe I'm just too sleep-deprived to enjoy a little wish fulfillment. Or maybe I'm just wishing the bedroom was done so we could move a construction site's worth of Legos from our living room floor to my son's new room.

But none of this really matters anyway. Ever since we told Jacob he could help pick out things for his new room, only two words have come out of his mouth.

“Batman bed.”

But what about the Spider-Man or Superman sets? They're a little more colorful.

“Batman bed.”

Are you sure? Bob the Builder is nice.

“BATMANNNNN BED!!!!! Batman bed! Batman bed!”

So we — not unhappily, I might add — went downscale from Pottery Barn to Target and purchased a Batman comforter and sheet set. And if we're feeling flush (or grandma wants to pitch in a few bucks), maybe we'll splurge on the Batman step stool and the Batmobile pillow I spied on Amazon. Y'know, just to class up the joint.

Next is figuring out the wall colors. Anyone know what shade of gray Bruce Wayne had Alfred paint the Batcave?